Torn
by Annie McAdams
Summary: Elissa and Cailan are married, but treachery from within tears them apart. Some wounds can heal with time, but what if you're not given that chance? An AU story about being torn apart and the people that love us enough to put us back together. F Cousland/Cailan F Cousland/Alistair
1. Chapter 1

_~~When this story was first written, I hadn't had anyone look at it. And as luck would have it, it didn't go in the direction I wanted it to. So, because I liked the idea so much, I've reworked it. I got a second set of eyes to help me edit. I'm sure it's far from perfect, but the story fits what I wanted now. I was once told, write the story you want, and if that means rewriting, then do it. So I have. The name is changed, and well, here it is. Thanks for taking the time to join me in the world we all love to get lost in. _

_Cheers, _

_Annie.~~_

Elissa Theirin's slippers made a hushed whispering sound through the corridors and up the stairs, as she made her way to the Kings study. The heavy oak door swung open with a slight groan, and she slipped inside leaning back against the warm oak, waiting for the King to turn and recognize her.

Cailan was busy, pouring over last second requisitions for his men before they were sent off for battle in the south.

He heard the door to his study open and the worry that creased his brow smoothed as he recognised the scent of his wife, Elissa. Waiting before he called her forward he took her all in, from the little slippers that poked out from under her silver gown, to the gown itself which was one of his favorites; cut low enough that he could see the gentle curve of her breast but modest enough for his Queen, the long bell sleeves accented her graceful arms and smooth white hands. The cut showed her long cream neck that he longed to run his fingers and lips over, crowned all by golden curls that cascaded down her back and those soft hazel eyes, endless depths to them that were neither blue nor green, he ended his journey on her soft pink lips, that at this moment bore a most unwelcome frown.

"You look beautiful in this light my love, come here." Motioning with a single finger, he drew her in to his chest as she approached him; lifting her chin with his fingers he kissed her gently.

"Only, I wish you would smile for me."

Elissa pressed her forehead against Cailan's chest. "How can I smile when you're going off to battle? I wish you would stay; I can't bear for you to leave me, I wish I could go with you."

Cailan chuckled at her words and pushed her back so he could look into her face. "You know that's not possible, even if you had been trained properly. Your place is here, as mine is with my men, you must rule while I am away. We can't leave everything to stewards my love. You must be the voice of the King while I am gone, it is what you were raised to do."

"Yes, I know, but I will miss you." She grabbed his hand and rested it against her still stomach, "We will miss you."

He smiled rubbing his hand across her still flat stomach. "Don't tell anyone my love, not till all of this business in the south is over. I want to be with you when you tell every one of our child. Now I don't leave till the Morrow and I have much to take care of, off with you then. Please see to our Uncles will you? I will join you for supper in the great hall and then in our chambers."

Standing on tiptoes she kissed his chin, then departed for the hall to see to the guests and make sure the men had been fed and were housed in the camps, until the march south tomorrow.

This she was good at, running a castle taking care of the men. Emotions were a complication, she was trained to keep them in check, and thus she was bad at expressing herself. Most thought her aloof, cold. Cailan was the only one that saw her for what she was, and fire that burned within her. Well there was another, but that had been a long time ago, and something that was not meant to be.

Their arranged marriage had been easier than most. They had both been raised to run a country and knew what was expected of them, eventually love between them had blossomed and now she couldn't imagine her life without him.

She stopped before the double doors leading into the great hall, quickly fixing her hair she let the mask and posture of the Queen slip back into place, loosely clasping her hands before her she nodded to the guard at her side and he opened the doors.

"Ah, Lord Teagan, Arl Eamon, it is good to see you." She kissed them both on the cheek and they in turn did the same; she offered them wine and a seat at the high table. "The King will be out shortly, he bid me welcome you once again to Denerim and let you know how much we've missed you. I hope all your preparations for the coming battle have gone well Eamon."

"They have your Majesty, thank you. We hope this to be brief, the march might take longer than the actual battle; the keep in the wilds is an important stronghold for the Wardens. If we are able to help them retake it, it will prove useful. As Cailan wishes to push farther into the wilds, having a foothold there is of the utmost importance. Loghain's strategy is sound and should have us home within the month. The Warden Commander is very hopeful, though I had expected him before now."

"Yes, I have been informed of the keep in the wilds. I spoke with the Warden Commander; he is needed with his men and apologizes for not being here to welcome you, but shall join you tomorrow for the march." Elissa nodded to have more wine served, as the other guests, Lords, Ladies and other various Noble's entered the Great Hall.

The gathered guests grew quiet and stood as the King was announced and made his way through the room to the high table. He took the hand of his wife and motioned for everyone to be seated. Kissing his Queen on the cheek he seated her, before turning his attention to those gathered.

"My Lords and Ladies I thank you once again for your support, of your King and more importantly, Ferelden. Tomorrow we march to Ostagar, and one step closer to conquering the wilds and reclaiming a strategic foothold for the Wardens, who if a blight was ever to come to our land would be instrumental in not only it's defeat, but in the protection of our lands. I thank you for the use of your sons and daughters. Know that your King marches with you, and we shall know victory."

Raising his goblet to them he shouted, "Forever Ferelden ,fides aeterna,!"

The crowd returned the shout: "Fides aeterna, Forever Ferelden!"

Cailan nodded for supper to be served, and they chatted quietly at the table of things in Redcliff and Highever. Elissa's brother Fergus laughed with the men and she smiled but her mind was not on the conversation at hand, but on her guests. Anything to keep her mind of the growing feeling of despair she had at the coming battle.

She watched her guests so they did not want for anything, calling for the dessert and making sure the wine and ale was cut off early, not only to the palace but the camps outside as well.

Cailan excused himself to the men's drawing room with his commanders and Lords, earlier than was normal and Elissa withdrew with her ladies and the Nobles wives, they chatted of marriages and salons in the spring, commenting that Elissa should think of hosting a spring solstice salon at the palace. She smiled and nodded, keeping her Queens mask firmly in place, despite the cold that had settled upon her heart.

As the night waned to a close one of the ladies requested that the Queen should play her harp. Elissa was very talented in both harp and song but had not the heart for it that eve. But keeping her pose she accepted and took her seat. The song she chose was a slow haunting melody about a Templar who had lost his love young, spending the rest of his life wandering the land in search of her. He never found her or her like; he died alone whispering her name. As her voice reached the last chord and trembled to a close she opened her eyes but it was not her lady's she saw but her King and Husband, he entered the room his face glowing with love and pride. Clapping his hands the ladies giggled, excusing themselves from the parlor, leaving her sitting by the harp. Their shared gaze was not broken as he kneeled before her; taking both of her hands he kissed them.

"You my dearest wife, have the most haunting and beautiful voice. I could listen to you for hours, but I have other plans this night." Scooping her gently in his arms, they were through the door and up the stairs within a heartbeat.

Their chamber was warm and glowing in the gentle firelight, Cailan sat her on the edge of the bed, bending over her feet he removed her slippers, kissing each ankle as he ran his hands up her leg stopping at her thigh and repeating this with the other. It had been a nightly tradition, since they had been married. His embroidered tunic was tugged off before pulling her gently to him. They sank together on the bearskin rug before the fire, he laid her back letting his eyes and fingers roam over her gentle as feathers, watching her face in the firelight his fingers playing with her golden curls.

"I love you Elissa, I want to think of you just like this while I'm gone, golden and lovely."

The fire snapped behind them causing her to jump. Her arms went around his neck, she wouldn't cry, she wasn't sure she knew how anymore. "I love you Cailan, no matter what has happened in the past, I love you."

Come back to me, come back and live your life with me, for me. It was on her lips, but she didn't say it, instead she kissed his chest above his heart and he knew.

Their lovemaking was slow and passionate. In each kiss, each touch there was promise of permanence.

The dawn came like a thief in the night to steal her love away, when she awoke Cailan was gone. Left beside her was a single red rose and a note with two simple words, words he had left for her every time he had gone from her.

'_Forever, Cailan'_

~~0~~

The armies followed their King South; the camp at Ostagar was lively in anticipation of the coming battle.

"What did you just say? How many darkspawn are here, what are you saying Loghain?" Cailan laid his riding gauntlets to the side and motioned for his armor to be fastened.

"At least twice what we thought your Majesty."

"Get the Warden Commander in here now." Cailan was calm, though some voice deep inside him was screaming that something was terribly wrong.

Duncan, the Commander of the Grey bowed before the King.

"Duncan, were you expecting this many Darkspawn?" "No your Majesty, this is a surprise to all of us. I have no doubt we can flush them from the keep and meet them head on. Our numbers are sufficient."

Cailan nodded. "Loghain, do you agree with the Commanders assessment? Do we go ahead with the frontal assault?"

"Yes your Majesty, I agree our numbers are sufficient, I will ready the men, for the attack comes at sundown."

"Excellent, I will ready myself and meet you on the ramparts." Cailan turned towards the back of his tent as the men exited towards the front. His hand came to rest upon a small locket around his neck. He felt fear, something he wasn't used to feeling before battle. His mind raced to his wife and unborn child. Though their marriage had been arranged, he loved her. Not to say they hadn't had their fair share of problems. But through it all, he had grown to love her like no other, and the thought that he may never see her again was like a dagger through his heart.

~~0~~

The horns of war sounded, Cailan called the first charge. The battle was long and bloody but in the end they were victorious. Cailan stood next to Loghain they were bloody, scared and tired but elated that the battle had gone in their favor.

"You know, Loghain I will miss this, but I would miss my wife more if we were called away to campaign often."

"Yes, it would be too bad for the Queen, if you weren't with her, she would miss you terribly. But don't worry, I'll take care of her, and she may yet join you in the void."

The dagger at his side glinted wickedly as his left hand rested on Cailan's shoulder. The thrust through the seams of Cailan's armor with his right hand was quick, precise.

Cailan crumpled at his feet, tossing the dagger away he paused above the King's body before shouting, "On me! The King Has Fallen."

~~0~~

Elissa was in the Royal gardens, when she heard the horns of the Royal entourage approaching the Palace. She ran to the Ramparts to watch them come in; she would always wave to Cailan from here, before running down and meeting him in the courtyard. She searched the faces below her but Cailan was not among them at the lead as he normally was. A cold shiver made its way up her spine, as she climbed down, and walked slowly to the courtyard. Teagan met her taking her hand in his; she saw the cart before Teagan could say anything. There in Royal estate with his shield and sword on his chest was the King, her husband Cailan. She tried to take a step towards him but her world spun and the last thing she remembered were the strong arms of Teagan, catching her before she hit the ground.

~~0~~

Elissa awoke in her own bed, it was dark out and she tried to convince herself it was all a bad dream. It wasn't true; it couldn't be true the Maker wouldn't be this cruel. Throwing on her cloak she slipped silently out of her room and down the stairs, there was light and voices coming from the study below. Her bare feet on the stone made no noise as she leaned in towards the room, and listened.

"Elissa, is more than capable of ruling, without an heir the kingdom falls to her."

She couldn't see him but recognized his voice Teagan; her hand instinctively fell to her belly as Loghain spoke up.

"That may be, Lord Teagan. But there is another of Theirin blood, you know this as well as I."

"He's a bastard, he can't rule this country." Hissed Eamon, "It's impossible, he wouldn't know the first thing about it."

"That maybe true, but Elissa does, marry her to him and let the Theirin bloodline continue. I shall be there as advisor, and things will be as they should." Loghain's voice had a finality to it that sent a shiver through Elissa as she backed away and turned towards the stairs.

Another Theirin, how could that be possible, Cailan would have told her. Though, there had been other things he had kept from her, though a mistress at the start of an arranged marriage for a King was hardly odd, and not something he could just tell her over Supper one night. She pushed those thoughts out of her head as the reality of what had happened began to sink in. Cailan, Maker it was true, her body shuddered as she thought of his lifeless body on the cart in the courtyard.

She stood silently in their chambers before she collapsed on the bed, their bed, and she wept for the first time in her memory, she wept until her body shook.

She hit the bed with her fist, as the sobs racked her body. "You promised, Cailan, you promised forever."


	2. Chapter 2

Elissa awoke to one of her ladies starting a fire. She was tired, sore and not ready for what she knew she was about to have to face.

Before she was even dressed, there came a soft knock on her door. Maker, it was starting already.

Elissa was behind the privacy screen having her laces finished, so her lady answered the door. She could hear Teagan's voice, the conversation was short, and as she heard the door close, she stepped around the screen, sitting down at her looking-glass, letting her lady brush and pin her hair. Her dress was black, and she felt just as it looked. Sad, depressed, as if she'd never feel the warmth of the golden sun on her skin again, as the feeling settled over her like a dark cloud, the room fell silent and Elissa cleared her voice.

"What did Lord Teagan require?"

"Oh, your majesty, your presence is required in the study. There is business to discuss he said, he says you are to come as soon as you're ready. I told him that you were not in any state to deal with business, what with the King's funeral this afternoon."

Elissa shook her head, her blond curls shaking slightly. "No I shall go, things still need to be taken care of. Cailan," her voice cracked as she said his name. Swallowing the lump in her throat she continued. "Cailan wouldn't want me to let things fall by the wayside." Her voice shook again, before she clinched her jaw, rose from her chair, and made for the door.

She paused before the door, her voice low. "Please make sure that the extra rooms are prepared, we will be expecting others if my guess is right."

The ladies bobbed curtsies' and both answered with a "Yes, your Majesty."

Elissa left the room, and made her way to the stairs that lead down to the lower study. She paused at the top of the stairs, and felt a hand land on her shoulder.

"Your Majesty," it was the low voice of Loghain. "I was told you were unwell. It is good to see you; you will join us in the study won't you?" Elissa took the arm that Loghain offered her and they descended the stairs together.

"I can't tell you how sorry we are, your Majesty. The King was the best of us all." Elissa nodded numbly but kept her head high and her eyes clear.

Loghain regarded the silence, and lift in the Queens chin as cold. He mused that a dagger in her husband's back might have been a favor to him. He had images of her tripping down the stairs, but the next words out of her mouth stilled his hand. She turned to him, her eyes locked on his, her hand falling to her stomach.

"I need to tell you, as my husband's most trusted, general and friend. I'm pregnant with the Kings child, we were going to wait, until he was back, but you must know now." Her voice drifted off as her eyes lowered and they continued down the stairs.

Loghain could hardly contain his zeal, as a plan began to form and the smile that he wore as he escorted her into the study was anything but friendly.

Eamon and Teagan were already present, and they both stood and bowed.

"Your Majesty, I am so sorry," began Arl Eamon, but Elissa held up a delicate white hand halting him.

"Thank you Eamon, Teagan. I know you didn't call me here to give me your condolences, which could have waited until this evening." She looked around at the men with a practiced patience she didn't feel.

Clearing his throat Eamon stepped forward.

"Your Majesty, I know this isn't the best time to have this type of discussion, but we must discuss the issue of the throne."

She didn't flinch, just kept her gaze even and focused on Eamon.

"Yes, and what is that Issue? I am Queen am I not?"

"Yes, of course, your Majesty you are indeed Queen, but the question of the succession. Without an Heir, the throne remains unstable at best."

Loghain met Elissa's eyes as he spoke. "Majesty, there is another child of Maric. His name is Alistair; he is the next in line to the throne without an Heir. We," He motioned to the men with him. "Believe the best course of action is to have you marry him. Have another Theirin on the throne and keep the realm from falling into civil war, or Maker forbid have anyone try to harm you to claim the throne." His eyes held hers and she knew he would not tell her secret, not today.

Elissa arose from her chair and moved to the door. "I am Queen in my own right. I do not want, nor do I require another husband to help me run this country. I will thank you to not speak of this, while my husband's funeral pyre has not even been lit. Tomorrow we can speak again, but I will not hear anymore now."

Moving out the door, Loghain motioned for Eamon and Teagan to stay and he went to walk with the Queen. She stopped outside the doors that lead to the gardens, and Loghain took hold of her elbow and moved her into the shadows.

"What is it Loghain? I made myself quite clear; I will not speak about this," Loghain interrupted her with a slight shake of her arm.

"If you ever want your child to see the throne or if you, yourself wish to stay Queen you will do as I say, and marry Alistair."

"What? You can't be serious? How dare you tell me what to do or think you could threaten me?"

"I do not make threats I don't keep your Majesty. If you do not marry Alistair I will have you married off to Teagan, and removed from Denerim. Don't think the landsmeet will stand with you. They would rather have a Theirin on the throne, and don't you think your child should rule, do not ruin that chance. Think of your child your Majesty; I will give you till the morrow to think about your choices. Remember that Alistair will be King, one way or another. If you choose not to marry him, I will do everything in my considerable power, to make sure your child never inherits the throne."

With that Loghain turned, and left Elissa shocked and staring blankly at the wall.

How dare he think he could talk to her like that? She paused, and realized she knew all too well that he meant what he had said.

Ever since she was chosen over his own daughter, Anora, as suitable bride for the King because Anora was not of noble birth, he had hated her.

Then his daughter Anora had died in childbirth, and it had changed the man known throughout Ferelden as the Hero.

Oh yes, Elissa knew what he was capable of, and she did not doubt him.

~~0~~

The night was cold and Elissa stood still as a statue, as the funeral for King Cailan happened around her. She felt like a leaf caught on a breeze, unable to change the direction she was headed.

The voice in her head was screaming no, that this couldn't happen, that it wasn't fair, that she couldn't imagine being with anyone but Cailan, worst of all, that the child in her would never know its father, and that her life would never be the same.

Elissa let her ladies take her back to her room, undress her and lay her in bed. It wasn't happening to her not really, she had locked her mind away behind the mask of the Queen. She wasn't really there. As she curled into the much too big bed, she let a few tears fall as she sobbed that she was sorry to Cailan, that for the sake of their child she would do as she must, no matter what that was.

Elissa awoke in the night, her stomach growled and she realized she had not eaten much throughout the day, she didn't want to wake her ladies, so putting on her slippers and dressing coat, she began making her way to the kitchen, she was down the stairs and making her way down the hall when she stopped dead in her tracks, Cailan.

Cailan was standing just down the hallway, his back was to her, but she knew that hair, that build, it was Cailan, and she ran then, not thinking just letting her heart want, what her head knew wasn't possible. Her arms were around him, he turned and she closed her eyes and kissed him, it was wrong, this was wrong, his lips weren't the same and his smell was different.

He felt arms go around his waist, and he about jumped out of his boots. He turned and looked down into the pale face of a golden-haired angel. She kissed him then, and he didn't know what to do, he should have pushed her back, but her lips were so damned soft.

Elissa realized as soon as her lips met his, that the man wasn't Cailan, she opened her eyes and though the face had features that were the same he was younger, and looked tired. He smelled of horses and leather, and like he hadn't bathed in some time. Cailan had always smelled of leather, soap and her lavender.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Sirrah, I thought you were someone, well it doesn't matter what I thought I shouldn't have, dear maker I'm sorry." She turned and ran, as fast as she could back to her room, leaving a very stunned and confused Alistair in her wake.

~~0~~

The day dawned and found Elissa seated at the high table, breaking her fast in silence. Her peace didn't last long though as a smug looking Loghain and Cailans uncles entered, and were seated next to her.

She choked as the man with them was introduced as Alistair Theirin. Holy Maker the same man she had thrown herself at, and kissed in the hall. She had known of course, but the reality of it in the daylight was mortifying. Composing herself she tried hard to let the Queens mask fall over her face, and she nodded at Alistair.

As Alistair walked into the dining hall, he about tripped on his own feet as the woman at the high table was introduced to him. The Queen, dear maker it was the Queen, the woman he was told he was to marry had been the angel that had kissed him last night.

At first he was thrilled, but the realization that hit him next almost knocked him over. She had thought he was his brother, his dead brother. Maker he was supposed to marry a woman, who would always be comparing him to the King.

Alistair was seated to the side of the Queen, and Loghain on the other, leaning over to the Queen Loghain's voice was low, and only for her.

"I do hope you've had time to think about what I said, Your Majesty. I have heard the Bannorn is beautiful, I'm sure Teagan would be thrilled, he's loved you for how long? Oh that's right, you don't talk about that. Well perhaps it's time to make it known, hmm?"

Elissa stiffened. She knew Teagan had been in love with her when they were younger. She had enjoyed her time with him and she knew her brother liked to hunt with him, but a life with him? Away from Denerim, the palace and everything she knew? A world, where her child would never be allowed to know that they were the rightful ruler of Ferelden? She couldn't, she wouldn't do that to the memory of Cailan. Perhaps at one time, but not now, not with everything that had happened since that summer, long ago.

"I have, I agree to your offer. I wish to stay; I will do as you say."

"Excellent," Loghain nodded.

"I will have everything arranged. By the way, I haven't told him about your condition, Your Majesty, if you were wondering. I thought it fair to let you deal with that in your own way." He smirked knowing that if this man was to be King that he could turn her away for being with child and enjoyed making her deal with that situation. He wanted to see her squirm.

Alistair watched the Queen throughout breakfast and her time with the people in the grand hall. She was proper and eloquent, beautiful and gentle, to all those around her, even though she must be going through the roughest time in her life. He had been told she was cold, a 'Ice Queen', he had a feeling there was much more to the queen of Ferelden than that, and he wanted to know more about that woman she had been in the hall.

After their supper, and when Alistair could excuse himself from the men in the hall, he went to find the Queen. They had tried to speak all day but it was difficult, with so many people around them.

Pausing outside the ladies drawing-room, he was greeted by the most haunting and beautiful voice playing the harp. The voice was sad mournful, the pain in the voice pulled on his heart and he dared glance into the room.

Sitting at the harp was the Queen, and he melted at the sight. The golden halo of her hair, with the harp transformed her truly, into the fragile golden angel he had thought her to be. As the song ended their eyes met, and the sharp intake of breath that followed let him know his presence was not wanted, and he retreated down the hall.

Elissa caught up to Alistair, before he could duck into his room. He scared easily, a trait she was not used to in a man. Cailan would have never fled in front of a room full of women.

"Alistair?"

She stopped short before him, her face calm and her hands clasped in front of her.

"I would speak to you, I am sorry for not inviting you into the parlor. Please come to my personal study, and we shall speak." Leading him to a very formal room, which held walls of books and a little dainty writing desk, she seated herself beside the fire and motioned for him to do the same.

"Brandy," she spoke to no one directly, but before them appeared two brandies and a small plate of treats.

"Please have some, it is the best brandy. Marics and Cailans own, and I suppose now your own, stock."

Her resolve faltered for only the barest of moments, before she collected herself and continued.

"I know you have been told that we are to be married, and that your coronation will follow. I have also been told you were raised to be a Templar. Whereas I respect the work that the Templar's do, it is not running a country. I will be here to help you, please know I am no normal woman when it comes to matters of state. I was trained at an early age and I pledge to help you in any way I can." Clearing her throat she continued.

"Most importantly I wish you to know, by my word only, I am with child. I ask only one thing, that this child will not be displaced by any of your own children. That this child, will remain first heir to the throne; if you agree to this I agree to help you be the King Ferelden deserves."

Alistair's jaw almost landed on the ground. "Yes of course, I had no idea, but of course the child will remain first in line for the throne, I would never suggest otherwise. It will be raised as our own, as will the rest of _our_ children."

He didn't like the tone she had, the cold indifference to their marriage. As if it was no more important than some treaty between countries. But then again, wasn't that all this really was? This was not how he had imagined this going; it was not the start to his marriage he wanted.

"Do you think we might be able to move past all this formalness, at some point? It's starting to make me a bit nervous. I really don't want to be this way around you, you know, for the rest of my life. It makes me feel like a small awkward boy again."

Elissa nodded. "You're the King, it is expected of you, I will help you, and I will do my duty to you as a Queen, and wife."

Maker, that's what he was afraid of.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day found Alistair wandering the grounds. He had not seen the Queen since their discussion last night and thanks to the knowledge that he was not only to be King and a husband, but a father as well, had caused him to toss and turn all night and now he wandered in a daze through the palace grounds.

He had thought to go out into Denerim, but was advised against it so he wandered, watching the practice in the yard, pausing at the stables to see the horses. People stared at him so oddly before dropping their heads, bowing and leaving him; after his run in with the Queen he understood, his face seemed to unnerve people.

After wandering back into the palace Alistair found himself in a long hallway lined with paintings, the paintings he realised were of his family. He paused before the portrait of Maric, his father he mused. Moving down the hall a portrait at the end caught his eye, not because the man in it that looked too much like him, but because of the woman with him. The Queen's hazel eyes, maybe more green then hazel stared at him, with a softness that he hadn't seen since that night in the hall; the smile upon her lips was almost unnoticeable, and could be missed if you didn't see that the painter had caught it in her eyes. Cailan's hand rested on her shoulder as she sat in front of him. It was a possessive gesture but more than that, he could swear it was a loving one as well.

As he walked past the dining hall a young serving girl approached him and bobbed a quick curtsy keeping her eyes towards the floor.

"Yer, Lord, er Majesty, the Arl said you may like a bath and that your things have been moved to the Kings quarters, he also bid that if you need anything at all your steward shall meet you in the Kings study." She curtsied again and dashed down the hall, Alistair shook his head, the Kings Quarters. Maker this was all happening too fast. Not to mention, he wasn't sure where in the fade the Kings Quarters were and he did not feel like stopping to ask directions.

Almost an hour later Alistair found himself standing before a set of double doors that he was sure must be the Kings rooms. He couldn't wait for a hot bath, it had been too long and at the Chantry he had not the time to enjoy it, it would be good to rest, let his body relax and wash. Maybe they had sent some of that lavender soap the Queen seemed to smell like. He could hear water splashing into the tub; the servants must just be finishing drawing the bath. Perfect, still hot he thought as he pushed through the doors and closed them behind him. Letting his eyes adjust to the lower light in the room, the biggest bed he had ever seen was against the far wall, and various bookshelves were about. He liked books so that was fantastic that the Late King was also a reader. A glance to the left revealed more doors which must lead to the Queen's apartments. The thought caused him to pause and he smiled.

"Is that you Andrea? Could you grab me the soft soap? I seem to have left it by the fire." Alistair's head snapped to his right and before him in the tub, her back to him was Elissa, she looked less a Queen and more a water nymph at that moment, and Alistair felt his body respond to her no matter how he willed it not to. Her hair was wet and fell in little ringlets down her back, her head was titled to the side and from where he stood he could see the graceful length of her neck and the curve of her breasts in the water.

Maker, what was he supposed to do now? Had he wandered into the wrong rooms? No these must be the Kings rooms, what was she doing here?

Alistair couldn't find the words to announce himself, and at his continued silence Elissa turned in the bath exposing her breasts to him fully. Milky white with just the perfect pink nipple and he about fainted. He may have never lain with a woman, but he had seen his fair share of breasts and he was sure these were almost perfect. She had a small pink birthmark on one, and he had a flash a tracing it with his finger, before a gasp and splashing water as Elissa grabbed her dressing robe next to her, brought him back to the current situation. Blushing like a boy Alistair turned his back quickly.

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty I was told a bath would be waiting for me and my things in the Kings rooms. I didn't mean to barge in, I didn't know you would be here."

Silence met this and he could hear her getting out of the tub. He waited a few moments for something anything.

"You may turn around now, Alistair." Alistair turned slowly the blush had still not faded from his cheeks.

Elissa would have laughed if she wasn't so annoyed. He looked like a boy that had just been caught kissing the maid in the closet.

"I thought these were the Kings rooms, I thought yours were through there." He drifted off and Elissa nodded.

"Yes, these are the Kings rooms; yes well I suppose they are yours now. I shall have my things moved."

Alistair looked up at Elissa in confusion, her things? He made another glance around the room, the books, much like her study the books must be hers, and then he saw the loom and other ladies touches throughout the room. Her things were here, she didn't use her rooms? Cailan and she had lived together? Alistair was shocked, most noble couples always kept separate rooms joining only for well, joining, and with that thought he blushed again.

"No, your Majesty I would not wish you to move your things, I very much enjoy books and if you wish your loom and other things to stay here, please do not think I wish you to move them. As for the bath, I do not mind sharing my bath with you; I've had to share with far worse I can tell you."

Alistair laughed until he saw the look on Elissa's face, and he backtracked on how that comment must have sounded.

"I didn't mean, you know, share together, I just meant; oh Maker I keep making this worse."

Elissa nodded, that cold indifference was back in her eyes, damn it.

"I'm going to go Your Majesty, please don't move your things or, anything on my account please."

With that Alistair retreated out the door and down the hall only stopping once he was down the stairs.

Leaning against the wall Alistair pinched his nose. "Great Alistair, just muck things up worse why don't you." He sighed and tilted his head back; opening his eyes he spotted Lord Teagan in the room across from him. His head was on his arms and judging by the bottle next to him, was deep into his cups for so early in the day.

Tapping on the door Alistair cleared his throat. "Excuse me, Lord Teagan?"

Lifting his head Teagan motioned for him to come forward.

Teagan eyed him, "Come in, Alistair, won't you join me in a drink. You look like you could use it, what could cause that look, on the future king?"

Alistair sighed again and took the goblet offered him. "You mean besides the fact I'm to be King?"

Teagan laughed, "Yes, well life is funny isn't it?" He took another long drink; refilling his goblet he turned his eyes on Alistair again. "What is it really?"

"Are you married Lord Teagan?"

"Ah, there's the truth of it. No, I am not married. By the way let's forgo the Lord nonsense right now; I am kind of your uncle."

"Well, right, have you ever wanted to be married? I would think you would have had an arranged marriage long before now."

Quirking a brow Teagan laughed again, "Are you calling me old? No, I haven't been married and yes I did want to be at one point." Swirling the liquid in his cup Teagan's thoughts drifted.

Alistair dragged a hand through his hair, "Are women always so, I don't know, I shouldn't ask questions of the Queen like this, I barely know her."

"Ah yes the Queen, Elissa. I've known her since she was young. I used to make frequent trips to Highever to hunt with her father and brother. She is, different. I mean in that she knows her place, she was raised to be Queen. She knows nothing else."

Alistair nodded. "Yes, I get that but has she always been so," Teagan shook his head not letting him finish.

"If you're going to ask if she's always been cold the answer is no, and she isn't really cold just playing a part. Like you said, you don't know her. She must maintain a certain air; she must be gentle but firm. You must remember she is a woman and she cannot be seen as too soft, or people would take advantage. She was expected to rule in Cailans absence."

"Then why can she not rule on her own? She seems perfectly suited for it, I know nothing about this, not to mention that I don't think my style of humor is suited for court, I'm sure I will stick my foot in my mouth at every chance."

Teagan snorted into his cup, "While a child of Maric lives, he should be on the throne. There is no heir so,"

"But there is, Elissa is pregnant and since I just met her I'm sure it's Cailans."

Alistair was laughing but Teagan had gone stock still and stared at Alistair his eyes wide.

"She's what?"

"Oh, well, I thought it must be common knowledge, why wouldn't they want it known that Cailan has a child?"

Teagan shook his head "She must have not known till just before the battle. It doesn't matter you are Maric's child and this is your lot."

Teagan was lost, why would Loghain have asked him if Elissa would not have Alistair, if he would, with a child that would be unheard of. It didn't matter though now, Teagan's eyes stared into the liquid of his goblet; she had made her choice, just as before.

Watching Teagan closely Alistair knew that look, many of his Templar brothers had that look before they took their vows. Leaving a woman that didn't want to be married to a Templar or Maker forbid, you were in love with a Mage.

"Who is she, Teagan?"

Teagan gave him a look that said he didn't understand the question.

"The girl that has you drinking mid-day and looking like you got punched in the gut."

Teagan didn't answer the question choosing to ignore it, looking past Alistair as Elissa moved past them towards the gardens, her eyes never moved to them and he sighed.

"You should get ready, the Landsmeet is this evening and don't take offence but you smell like a horse."

Alistair brushed this away, "Maker, you're in love with the Queen. For how long, does she know?"

Teagan shook his head, "No, I'm not in love with the Queen that would be treason, treason to you soon, in fact. I'm in love with a memory."

"Well, why not have you married to her? You'd make a better King than I. You're the brother of the former Queen, certainly," Teagan cut him off with a wave of his hand.

"No, if I was to marry Elissa she would no longer be Queen, I am a second son, not even an Arl, the Landsmeet would never approve unless she was to leave with me. Leave it, you are to be King, Alistair and Elissa will be your Queen."

Alistair narrowed his eyes at the floor, "I understand arranged marriages but I don't think I can marry her if she's in love with you, it wouldn't feel right, I wouldn't do that to her. Besides you're better looking than me, well I have better hair. Don't look at me like that."

"You have nothing to worry about there; I'm not the one that she's in love with. Trust me you have an uphill battle. But at least you look like him."

"Yes great, I'm battling a ghost."

Teagan pushed Alistair towards the door. "Go, honestly you really do smell like a horse, have a bath, the Kings rooms are that way I'll call a maid to have your water ready."

Alistair rolled his eyes. "Yes, because that went so well last time."

Teagan quirked an eyebrow, "Just go."

As Alistair walked off Teagan went to ready himself. He had drunk too much feeling sorry for himself. Alistair and she would do fine together, Maker a child, why wouldn't Loghain have told them?

"No, she agreed to Marry Alistair, there is no need for your daughter." Teagan came to a halt outside Loghain's rooms as the sound of raised voices met him.

"I thought you said you were going to marry her to Teagan and be done with it. With her out of the way and my daughter married to Alistair we could," Teagan recognized the voice of Arl Howe.

"Well that was before I knew she was carrying the Kings brat."

"And if she doesn't play along?"

"I will deal with her as I did her Husband. Make no mistake the Queen will do as I say."

Teagan flinched at Loghain's last words, and he waited until he heard the retreat of their footsteps.

What had he meant, was Loghain threatening Elissa and how had he dealt with Cailan?

OooO

The Landsmeet was much different than Alistair had thought, there was a lot of yelling and arguing that the Queen could rule on her own, others yelling that there must be an heir and if a child of Maric lived he should be the one to beget it. Loghain was calm and almost smiling throughout the proceedings. Finally lifting his hands for silence he spoke loudly and clearly.

"Yes, there is an Heir, the Queen is with Cailan's child, it is early yet but who better to raise this child with the Queen than a Theirin?"

Shouts arose from the surrounding nobles about the new Kings children and the line of succession, Teagan was quiet and watching, he was concerned about Loghain's angle but dared not speak out against him.

"I assure you that papers will be drawn up, to ensure the line of succession falls first to that of the child of King Cailan."

There were nods of approval and before he knew what was happening, Alistair was walking out of the Landsmeet the King of Ferelden, not crowned but apparent.

He was seated in Loghain's apartments with the man walking around him. "We will start with your wedding followed directly by your coronation, I want it large and I want all Nobel's invited, we will open it to the common folk as well, I want them all to see their King married and then crowned. I want no doubt in their minds about who will rule this country."

Alistair nodded, "Should we not ask the Queen what she," Loghain didn't let him finish.

"No, you will be King; the Queen will listen to you in all things." He made to argue but Loghain shook his head.

"The Nobel's are already here for the Landsmeet, I will announce your wedding in the morning and you will be married and crowned by tomorrow night."

Alistair went numb but nodded, "Sure, let's just throw me right into the fire. Sound's perfect."

Loghain laughed and left Alistair to his thoughts.

~~0~~

"Tomorrow," Elissa had stood so quickly that the book in her lap tumbled to the ground. "Eamon, I am not even out of my mourning gown, and he wants me married _tomorrow?_ What am I supposed to wear, Black? He's mad; I'm not getting married tomorrow. Leave me and send him in."

Loghain bowed, smiling at Elissa. "I have found a beautiful green gown for your wedding, I'm sure you do not wish to wear white and black would just not do as you said. Everything is taken care of you need only, show up."

"You listen to me MacTir. I will not be pushed around like cattle, I am your Queen and as such I have a say in," His hand sliced through the air, coming dangerously close to her face.

"No, your Majesty this is how it is going to be if you wish to Marry Alistair, I will marry Arl Howe's daughter to him if you wish to push me. Do not think I can't convince the Landsmeet that you changed your mind because you're so in love with Teagan and confessed to me that the child is really his and you wish to be with him. Do not push me for I will not hesitate to remove you."

Elissa was so shocked that she stumbled back into the chair behind her, "You wouldn't it's not true."

"Yes but that's the funny thing about Nobel's, they are so willing to believe the worst. Even about you, your Majesty." His voice was laced with ire, and she nodded knowing he had won.

The wedding was grand, almost larger than her first wedding, the thought brought tears to her eyes that did not fall. The vows were the same; the man at her side was not. She fought not to fidget though the wedding. The coronation went so quickly, that she was actually shocked to find that it was over and that she would have to go back to her rooms, their rooms and be with him, she looked at him again, the hair might be the same color their build might be the same, he might even have the same smile. But it was not him she told herself, it was not him.

Alistair paced in what were now his rooms, the items that had made it Elissa's room as well, were removed and it pained him to know she had not headed what he had said.

The door creaked behind him and Elissa stepped in from the joining doors.

He bit his lower lip, she was dressed in a silver gown that made eyes shine, her hair had been brushed out and she was truly lovely. He could see himself lying with her, brushing his fingers through her hair and his breeches became unbearable tight.

Her searched her face, and found that she was pale and her eyes cold.

"Your Majesty, I remember you said I was to still sleep here and it is tradition that we have our evening meal her as the feast was very early in the day, is that your wish?" She asked this with no inflection in her voice, and her eyes never moved from staring just beyond the tips of her slippers.

"I would like you to sleep and eat where you want." He said as softly as possible.

She shrugged then a terribly indifferent gesture that struck him to the core.

"I will do as your Majesty says." She said it but she didn't feel it, he didn't want her to, he didn't want her to give in to him. He wanted the woman in the hall, the one in the portrait that Cailan seemed to have loved so much.

They ate in silence and he noticed that she never looked at him long.

"Your Majesty if you are tired, please do not let me keep you." He noticed as she said this, her eyes darted to the bed and the look that crossed her face was one not of fear, for she was no blushing virgin as he was; it was one of anger, longing and sadness.

Kneeling in front of her Alistair wanted, no, needed to connect with her, he didn't want their first time to be forced with her hating him, hating his face for what it reminded her of.

He took her hand and kissed her knuckles, "I know this isn't easy, but perhaps if we," Alistair's body was betraying him again, he let his lips meet hers and she flinched like she had been burned.

Cussing Alistair stood; this is not how he wanted it to be, walking to the door that lead to the hall he made up his mind to sleep elsewhere.

"Your Majesty," Elissa asked confused

"Take the room tonight Elissa, I will not bother you." He was about to close the door when he stuck his head back in and met her eyes. "It's Alistair still, by the way, Elissa." And with that the door closed and he was gone.


	4. Chapter 4

"It's been four weeks Loghain, my sister has barely stepped foot out of her room in four weeks. That's enough, I think she should come with me to back to Highever, Mother and Father would love to see her and she needs to get out, I think seeing family would help her."

"The Queen is fine; I don't think she should be traveling in her condition." Loghain stated, not looking up from the paper he was reading.

"My sister is not fine; she has never been one to self pity and let herself rot away in a dark room somewhere." Fergus Cousland was starting to get angry. He wasn't an angry person by nature but the blatant disregard for his sister in this entire process, had finally worn him down. Placing both hands on the edge of Loghain's desk he leaned into him.

"I am sorry but I must insist, she is not well and needs her family."

With a resounding sigh that said he was done with the conversation, Loghain finally looked at Fergus and shook his head.

"And I said that it was not possible. The Queen should not travel in her condition."

Both men stared at each other in silence neither one conceding the point.

"Ahem," Alistair cleared his voice from where he was leaning in the doorway.

Both Fergus and Loghain turned and gave short nods.

"Ah, your Majesty I was just telling young Cousland here, that the Queen is in no shape to travel the distance to Highever."

Nodding Alistair made his way into the room.

"Yes I heard the conversation, and I must say I agree with Fergus. The Queen is not well and I think it would be in hers and the baby's best interest to change that."

Fergus smiled and quirked his eyebrows at Loghain, in a take that gesture, before turning to Alistair thanking him and asking how soon they could be off.

Loghain stared coldly back, he didn't want the Queen leaving, he needed her where he could get to her, just in case she got some idea in that pretty blonde head of hers that she was running things.

"Alistair, Sire. I do think we need to consider the travel. The weather is getting colder and she can't possibly ride."

Alistair nodded towards him, but addressed his answer to Fergus.

"You are right, she shouldn't be riding."

Loghain smiled and made to brush the conversation aside when Alistair added, "But, she can take a carriage can't she?"

Fergus nodded smiling, "Yes of course."

"Well then it's decided, Elissa and I shall travel to Highever for a holiday. You know, I think that's the first time I've ever gotten to use that. I should decree things more often. How about, I decree that the Queen and I shall honeymoon in Highever. I think I could get good at that."

He grinned at Fergus, it was a good-natured boy's grin, and Fergus couldn't help but smile back.

"It did sound pretty good, your Majesty."

"Please, Fergus call me Alistair." He clapped a hand on Fergus's back and they walked towards the door.

"You should go tell your sister, Fergus and I will find someone in this palace to get a carriage ready. Maybe we could borrow one."

Fergus laughed, "You have four carriages Alistair; I don't think you need to borrow one."

"Right well, I suppose four might have to do." Chuckling Alistair looked about for a footman, steward anything. They had all been following him around for weeks, and now when he needed one it seemed there was not one to be found.

Loghain stepped forward into the hall, following Alistair. "Don't you think, your Majesty that with you just coming to the throne a short time ago, that you shouldn't run off? There are matters of state and I need you to address the Warden issue in the south."

Alistair didn't turn around as he had found his steward, and was set about telling the man what he required.

"No, I think we're allowed a honeymoon, I think that the Queens health is more important for the time being. Besides you've filled my head with laws and rules and been making me sign things for weeks, I'm not sure that I could take much more thank you very much. I think you can handle it just fine for a while. That's what you do isn't it?"

Loghain nodded to Alistair's back, and turned back to his offices. Just so, the Queen and King gone could prove useful for a bit while he set his own people into office. But he would need the King to make any real changes; and as for the Queen getting any bright ideas while she was out of his grasp. Well he would just have to make sure someone was making sure she remembers who's in control here. Calling for his page, he knew he needed someone who could be seen as a servant, that wouldn't be noticed. An assassin if the need should arise, someone who wouldn't hesitate to kill the Queen even in her state.

What he needed was a crow.

Elissa had been surprised when her brother had told her of the coming trip to Highever. Excited to see her Mother and Father but surprised that the King had acted the way he did for her well being, not only that but the fact that he wanted to come with them, surprised her even more.

As they pulled away from the palace Elissa watched Loghain and Teagan as they waved. Teagan's smile was warm but sad and she felt a bit sorry for him. Loghain however, had a look she was sure that was somewhere between malice and outright hatred. The servants most of whom were riding looked tired and cold. Elissa's ladies were in a carriage behind her, and she herself was buried under furs for the ride.

Elissa's brother and Alistair were riding their horses as they made their way through Denerim. People had come out to see the Royal couple and their entourage as they left the city, despite the rain and cold. Elissa set her smile and waved at those gathered as they passed.

An overwhelming weight lifted from her shoulders as they left Denerim for the open road, she hated to admit it, but being away from a place with so many memories no matter how good, was a welcome thing.

She must have dosed off for the next thing she knew the carriage was stopped, and Alistair was jumping in, his hair was wet; running his hands through it droplets sprinkled her and he laughed.

"I'm sorry, Elissa, you'd think I was a Mabari hound with my manners; but it's freezing out there. My hands are ice. Your brother is either extremely tough or crazy; I'm not sure which yet."

Elissa pursed her lips in thought. "Well he does love to hunt, my father, Fergus and Cailan used to hunt and ride no matter the weather."

The air in the carriage was cold, and she could see his breath as he rubbed and stretched his hands.

"Yes, well I hope he deems me worthy, I would love to hunt, though I've never really done it in an official capacity, much of my time was spent on sword play and, ah, other Templarish things."

Nodding absently, Elissa stared out at the damp countryside.

"Do you like to ride?"

The question was honest enough but she felt annoyed at it anyways.

"Yes, I enjoy riding when they let me. I wasn't allowed out on the hunt much. My mother was always afraid I'd end up wanting to be a warrior and go off to battle with my brother. Either that, or break my neck. She had other ideas for me; so I spent much of my time in lessons. You know learning Queenish things."

She hadn't meant the last part to sound as bitter and childish as it did, throwing his Templar learning back at him. She let forth a sigh and turned to face him completely.

"That wasn't fair, Alistair; I simply meant I didn't have time for as much as I wish I would have."

The broad grin that greeted her was not what she had expected.

"No offence taken Elissa, and when you're able I would love to ride with you. Maybe we could work on that warrior queen bit. I bet you'd be scary with a blade."

She laughed in spite of herself and the tension eased.

"What else do you like to do? You know besides Queenish things."

"Well I read quite often, I enjoy weaving and I embroider those tunics you wear." She gestured towards his shirt and the royal insignia with his initials entwined in golden thread.

"You did this? That's fantastic, though I beg you to not look at my breeches; the holes are just terrible, armour rubs in the worst places."

Giggling she sat up more and smiled, "I had them taken and replaced, if you didn't notice. I couldn't let you run around in old breeches now could I?"

"Well I thank you for that, My Lady wife. I've never had anyone take care of me like that."

The carriage went silent and they could hear every bump in the road and the patter of rain on the roof, until Elissa cleared her voice to speak again.

"Do you dance Alistair? I'm quite a fan of a good ball and dance. I also sing and play the harp as you know."

"I do know, it's quite the skill and one I hope you invite me to more often. As far as dancing goes, I'm not too sure it's one of my strongest qualities, but for you I'd learn."

Alistair's eyes were drawn to her biting on her lower lip. He longed to reach forward and draw her lips to his, to kiss that worry away from her. He had to practically sit on his hands to keep from touching her, so he changed the subject.

"I'm quite excited to meet your mother and father and see where you grew up."

"I'm sure you'll enjoy Highever, Alistair. It's my favorite place in Ferelden. Where were you raised? I'd like to see it someday."

"I think you've already been to where I was raised. Arl Eamon raised me for a good part of my younger years, until his wife Isold packed me off to the chantry and the rest is pretty much Templarish things."

The smile still played at his lips even though Elissa looked shocked, "I can't believe none of us knew."

Alistair shrugged, "It was a well kept, out in the open secret. I'm sure Cailan knew about me, just something he didn't want to talk about I suppose. It was no secret that Maric wasn't faithful. Rumor has it his son was the same way." He could have fallen on his sword at the look on Elissa's face as the words fell out of his mouth. "I didn't mean, I had no right, Maker, I let my mouth run away on me Elissa."

Damn him right to the void. That cold front fell over her eyes, and he felt the ease that they had just been sharing shatter like a carelessly handled looking glass.

"I shouldn't have."

He saw her jaw flinch, and she jerked her eyes out the window towards the fading sun. Her next words were flat and devoid of emotion.

"I know what was said, and yes our marriage was arranged much like mine and yours. I care not what people said. I know who Cailan was, that's all that matters."

Watching her close her eyes and lean against the window, Alistair shook his head. "Good job idiot," he whispered to himself.

The moon was bright as the clouds dispersed and the carriage held its soft glow. The book that Elissa had held when she fell asleep slid and thumped to the carriage floor. Glancing once to see if she had woken up, Alistair scooped up the book and held it sideways towards the light. Opening it, a few objects slid from the middle and landed in his lap. Keeping the book opened to the spot the items had dropped from he lifted what looked like some sort of dried flower.

A dried pressed red rose. She likes flowers he noted, and placed it back in the book. Picking up what looked to be a torn sheaf of paper he held it to the window. It read. 'Forever, Cailan' Alistair eyes went wide and he slipped the note back into the book as well, and placed it next to Elissa on the seat.

Not only had she loved him, he had loved her. She had said their marriage had been arranged just as this new one was. So perhaps there was a chance, even the smallest glimmer that they too could be happy. He held on to that hope, he wanted the chance to love her he decided; if she would let him.

~~0~~

"Mother, Father!" Elissa was in her father's arms and he smiled, kissing her cheek.

"Oh, my dearest girl, I see your bother succeeded in bringing you to us. We've missed you pup."

"Father," Elissa stepped back even with Alistair. "This is, King Alistair, my husband."

"Why of course," He bowed and then lifted his eyes. "My you look so much like your father your Majesty."

"So I've been told, and please call me Alistair."

"Of course, Alistair and you may call me Bryce. You must be exhausted let us show you your room and you can rest and get ready for Supper."

The room was brightly lit and the fire burned warmly in the room they were lead to.

"Your home is beautiful, Elissa. I can see why you love it here." Nodding absently Elissa sat on the edge of the bed, the elf that was carrying all of their things to the room paused at the door. His voice was thick with an antivan accent as he stopped to ask if there would be anything else. Nodding his dismissal Alistair sat by the fireplace.

"Your father wants me to accompany him on a hunt tomorrow with your brother. Is that okay? Do you want me to stay? If you don't want to be alone I understand."

"No, mother and I are going to go over her plans for her spring salon, and of course she invited some old friends I need to see and entertain, I will be fine."

Alistair couldn't hide his disappointment as he watched her stare into the fire, he had hoped she had wanted him to stay.

~~0~~

Elissa arose early the next morning, Alistair was not there nor did it look as though he had slept there. He had done this ever since that first night. She didn't know where he was; just that he wasn't sleeping there. She was slightly confused by this, as Cailan had never waited and she didn't know what to think. Besides that everything had been so awkward; he tripped over everything when they talked, but she still seemed to catch herself smiling when he cracked one of his silly awkward jokes.

This was the way of things for a few weeks, the trip was uneventful and Elissa felt more rested than she had since Cailans death. Alistair was getting plenty of hunting training and her family had taken to him right away. Her mother often commented on his wit and charm. Alistair was the envy of many of the men, as he had retained his Templar training and took to showing off now and again in the spar.

It had been a mild day, spent in the yard, nothing out of the ordinary. And the sun was just starting to disappear behind the trees when Alistair came down to supper, looking for Elissa. She had complained of a headache that morning. Not being in the room Alistair searched the library and her father's study. It had been weeks and Alistair had never seen her so happy. So it was odd that no one could find her, she had told no one of any plans outside the castle.

They didn't become fully alarmed until night had fallen, and one of the men brought back Elissa's cloak.

Just the cloak, no Elissa; Alistair felt pure raw fears build in his chest, and he ran to the stables for his horse. Fergus followed close behind; the fear Alistair felt was mirrored in Fergus's face as they rode out into the dark.


	5. Chapter 5

The elf had watched them go, just as he had watched the Queen. He had not followed her that night, his orders were clear. His hand was not to move against her without word. But if she took care of the problem herself that wasn't any concern of his, he turned and walked back to the servant's quarters.

~~0~~

Fergus pulled his mount to a halt and jumped off next to where Alistair was searching along the cliffs. There was no moon out and it was dark, damn dark. Alistair had mounted back up before Fergus could say anything and he was moving farther down the road. If it could be called that, more like goat path, and even the goats might not attempt it.

"Alistair, Alistair! Stop, we're not getting anywhere in the dark. We've been out here for hours. We need to go back to the castle. Maybe she's back by now." The words sounded hollow even to Fergus, but they weren't getting anywhere in this inky blackness.

"What if she's not Fergus? What if she's out here hurt? We can't just leave her." Fergus laid a hand on his shoulder; he could feel the tension coming off of him in waves.

"What choice do we have right now, Alistair? We will get a party together and look again in the morning."

"Damn it," Knowing Fergus was right he mounted up and turned his horse back towards Highever castle.

~~0~~

He really had been minding his own business. Running from Templar's seems to have that effect on you. After the first few times of getting caught, because you decided you needed to stay in the best inn, or flirt with the first pretty girl you saw and stay too long with her, you learned your lesson. That's why this time he had decided to stick to the rocky coast line. There was no moon and he felt mostly at ease sitting by an outcropping of rocks listening to the waves; he was so close this time, he had only a bit farther to go before he could jump ship, and be as far away from Ferelden as possible.

Well that had been before the screams, before he found himself reacting and racing down the shoreline, before finding the woman crumpled at the bottom of a very rocky steep cliff.

"Andraste's nicker-weasels," The woman must have slipped and toppled roughly to the bottom. What in the Makers name was she doing out here? Kneeling next to her he could sense a heartbeat and she was still breathing, barely. Cussing he looked about him, he couldn't see anything besides the outline of her and her dress, he needed light. Light attracts attention he thought, but he couldn't just leave her there to die.

"Shit," Conjuring a light spell he looked her over. He sucked in a breath as he saw the amount of blood, her head and hair were soaked and most of her clothing was covered with a mixture of blood and dirt.

Not knowing how she was still breathing, he shook off the shock and bent next to her, he needed to stop the bleeding. That was going to take quite a bit of healing, and she still might not make it. Looking up the cliff he knew there was no way her could carry her up that and he knew it was too far to carry her around the end of the cliff. He needed to get her stable, build a fire, find the last of his Lyrium and figure out how bad the damage was.

His hands glowed faintly blue as he moved them over her; he concentrated on the important areas namely her head and chest. He could feel broken ribs a broken wrist and ankle. Those would have to come later. He could feel the bleeding slow and as he moved his hands over her stomach he stopped dead. Was she pregnant? The life he felt was feint but it was there, he didn't know what to do.

"Oh Maker, hold on." He needed to move her, he had to get a fire going, she was freezing and with the loss of blood, well he wouldn't think about that. He needed to see if he could save her and the child now. He didn't like his odds. He didn't have much lyrium, he was already feeling weak and with the severity of her injuries he wasn't sure it would be enough.

Moving her as little as possible he got her laid out and quickly found drift wood, set a quick fire spell, just a spark, he didn't need to lose more energy than necessary and set about tending her wounds as best he could.

Rocking back on his heels, then on to his back he lay staring at the sky that was just starting to show the first signs of daybreak; trying to regain his breath was a difficult task and his body hadn't ached this much in years.

She was still unconscious, which was actually a good thing. He would have had to knock her out with a spell otherwise, more importantly she was still alive; he wasn't as sure about the child she was carrying, but he had tried his hardest. Struggling not to fall asleep, he failed as his world turned black from the exertion, and he found himself in the fade.

He awoke with a start, voices; someone was yelling he could hear horses. Sitting up it took him only a moment to remember the night's events. He hesitated only for a heartbeat before hoarsely yelling out, "Down here."

He wasn't sure they had heard him, until the horses and shouting stopped and two heavily armored and armed men appeared at the top of the cliff, they paused only long enough to gage the situation before they both made their way over the side.

He kneeled again next to the woman. She was still out and maker did she look awful. The bleeding thankfully was stopped and most of the damage healed, but she didn't look like it.

The men were next to him in a breath and the dark haired man had a hold of him jerking him away from the woman.

"Maker, Elissa, what happened to her? What did you do?"

He shook his head. "Really, would I have called you down here if I had done this? She fell as far as I can tell; I found her last night I did what I could for her but she needs to be off the ground, she needs more healing that I can't give her without more lyrium."

The blonde man was kneeling next to her almost in tears. "Lyrium, you're a mage then."

It sounded more like an accusation rather than a question. Motioning to his robes he sighed and rolled his eyes, "What gave it away? Really that's not the important thing at the moment."

The blonde man nodded and turned to the dark haired man. "We need to get her back to the castle. Fergus can you get back up the cliff and bring the horses around?" Without answering the man turned and scrambled back up the cliff. Impressive for a man decked out in armour.

The mage turned his attention back to the woman, his hands moved over her and he sighed. She was still stable.

"So, you found her here then?" The man's hand rested on her brow as they knelt together next to her.

"Yes, I heard her scream, she must have slipped."

The man nodded, "Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet."

~~0~~

The three of them managed to get her back to the Castle, it took some time and it was well past midday by the time they got her to her room. The three exhausted men stood around the bed until one of Elissa's ladies shooed them from the room, the resident healer entered as they were ushered out but the mage with Alistair and Fergus stopped.

"I really should go with him, I need to," Fergus interrupted him, laying a hand on his shoulder.

"You really need to rest, you've done quite enough for now, we can check on my sister later. Right now I think we all need a drink and you need to tell us exactly what happened last night."

Alistair led them to the Teyrn's study and they all dropped into chairs as brandy and whiskey was served.

The retelling of the story was wearing on the mage and he sat forward his head in his hand as he finished his drink.

"That's it, she fell I did what I could, and here we are."

Alistair nodded realizing he didn't even know the name of the man he was trying to thank.

"The woman you saved is Elissa, my wife and I thank you, and this is a bit awkward at this stage, but what's your name? I'm Alistair, and the surely man there is Fergus and we both owe you a great debt."

Alistair, the name rang a bell but his head was pounding too much to dwell on it long.

"I'm Anders; and it was the right thing to do. Before you ask, yes I am an apostate. Yes I'm running from Templar's and I suppose this is the end of my flight."

Alistair shook his head and was about to speak when his steward stuck his head in the study. "Your Majesty, they wanted me to tell you that the Queen is resting, but the healer would like to speak with you when you are able."

Anders was dumbstruck. Queen, your Majesty, Andraste's holy ass, this was King bloody Alistair, and he had just saved the Queen.

"Your Majesty, I'm sorry I didn't recognize you. I should have once you said your name but, I have only heard of you, on the run and all that, don't have much time for news."

Alistair nodded absently, "Right well I'll have someone show you a room, as I am in your debt perhaps I can take care of your issue with the Templar's for now, I happen to know a few of them," He quirked a smile. "Thank you again for what you did."

~~0~~

Three days and Elissa he still not woken up; Alistair paced their room, Anders had assured him that she was alright, even the child made it, he sighed finally sitting in the chair that he had occupied the past three nights. Taking her hand in his he rubbed his thumb over her knuckles, the scratches were long healed but his heart still pained at the thought of her fall.

"What were you doing out there Elissa?" He whispered to her sleeping form.

~~0~

It was another day before Elissa's eyes opened. She found herself alone in her rooms. She stretched and yawned. Maker she had a headache and she was starving.

Climbing out of bed she wobbled on her feet as she tried to stand.

It was at that moment Alistair walked back through the door, "Elissa you're awake, thank the Maker." He rushed forward and eased her back onto the bed. "You shouldn't try to stand yet. Let me get Anders, he's the healer that found you, we should have him look you over before you try to move around too much."

Elissa was giving him the oddest look, and as he leaned hug her she went stiff.

She looked around her again. Yes, these were her rooms.

"Pardon me, but who are you?"

Alistair stepped back.

"What? Elissa, it's me Alistair, you've had a nasty fall."

Shaking her head and furrowing her brows Elissa looked confused.

"I want my Father, please get out of my room and find my Father."

Alistair turned and practically ran from the room, he found Anders in the larder and Bryce in his rooms. They both accompanied him back to Elissa, he paced outside the room as they spoke to her. Maker, the way she had looked at him, like she really didn't recognize who he was.

A few moments later Anders joined him in the hall.

"Well it's not the worst case I've seen."

"What isn't?" Alistair wanted to shake the mage, he needed an answer.

"She has some memory loss, most likely due to that massive blow she took to the head."

What are you talking about? She doesn't remember who she is?"

"Like I said Alistair, it's not the worst case I've ever seen. She knows who she is; she's just, lost time and memories. To her, she never married King Cailan and she definitely hasn't married you. She's a bit fuzzy about the things she remembers but she knows her father, mother and brother. She knows she's Lady Cousland, and that she's _supposed_ to marry the King. But as far as she knows that's Cailan, not you. It's not like I can tell you for how long. Memories are a funny thing. It depends a lot on the person, and it sounds like she's been through a rough time even without this fall. It might be her minds way of protecting its self."

Alistair just about collapsed, "So, what are we supposed to do? Can't you help her?"

Anders shook his head, "No, really you need to be patient with her, try to help her in little ways but you're going to have to be careful, things you tell her are going to be hard, like that she's pregnant. You might want to go easy on that one. Really besides that it's just time, you're going to have to wait and see." Anders turned to go back to the room but Alistair caught him by the shoulder.

"What happens if her memories don't come back?"

Anders shrugged, "I suppose that's up to you."

~~0~~

Elissa kept to her rooms for the next few days regaining her strength, she refused to see anyone but her mother, father and Anders.

Alistair was going stir crazy, he needed to see her; he needed to talk to her. Not that he had any clue what he was going to say.

He was with Bryce and his wife at supper; it had been a week since the accident. He was barely eating; his mind was a swarm of what ifs. They would have to return to Denerim soon, and he hadn't even been able to talk to her.

"Alistair," He snapped back to the present and nodded.

"Yes?"

Bryce eyed his son in law.

"I think you need to talk to her, she won't talk to any of us about this. I haven't even been able to tell her she's pregnant. You need to talk with her, she won't understand a lot of it but you have to try."

He nodded, though inside he was screaming; this was not a conversation he even knew how to start.

~~0~~

It was early morning, and Elissa needed to get out of her room. She dressed and snuck out to the courtyard. Wasn't it summer? The chilled air of early winter hit her, hadn't Teagan and Eamon just been there, it had just been summer, she was sure of it. They had all just been to the Summer solstice festival right? Her head hurt every time she tried to think about it. She felt sick and stopped leaning against the wall.

Alistair had awoken early; he was trying to figure out what to say to Elissa when he found her in the courtyard. He walked slowly to her, as one would a spooked horse; he let her see him coming and waited a distance from her before she nodded slowly, acknowledging his presence.

"Elissa, my name is Alistair; I would like to speak with you if you don't mind."

She nodded, and motioned towards the castle.

"Can we go back inside? I think I wore the wrong dress, it's much too cold out for this one." She looked confused again and he nodded.

"Of course," They walked together inside, he chose the library to talk, knowing she loved books and it was open and public, and perhaps might help set her at ease.

He started off small, asking her how old she was, what she last remembered doing. The answers were surprising. As far as he could tell she thought she was sixteen, and she had just spent the summer with Teagan and Nathaniel Howe, while Cailan was squiring over the sea for a season.

"Elissa, I need to tell you a few things that are going to be hard to hear, but I need you to listen." He went slowly telling her of her marriage to Cailan, which was easy, she had known that was going to happen and she laughed a bit like he was telling her a story about how she would one day be Queen, which she already knew.

She grew silent when he told her of Cailan's death, and their subsequent marriage. He paused before continuing, "Elissa you're pregnant." She stared at him and a flood of emotion he wasn't used to seeing from her burst forth and she broke down and cried, sobs upon sobs broke upon him.

"This can't be possible; I don't remember any of that. The last thing I remember is that this summer Teagan asked me if he could ask my father for my hand in marriage, and I told him no, that I am to marry Cailan. All this couldn't have happened, I'd remember it." Her hands went to her stomach, "I would remember my child, wouldn't I?"

The tears continued to fall and he realized she even sounded younger than she used to, she sounded sixteen. Maker how was this possible?

~~0~~

Elissa came to supper that night and sat quietly next to her mother, though she fidgeted and poked at her food.

"Is something bothering you pup?"

"No," she paused and then sighed. "Actually, yes I just, I don't remember you having so much grey in your hair."

He wanted to laugh, but it didn't seem right, she looked so concerned that he had aged and she hadn't been there for it.

She looked down the table, to where Fergus and his wife and son were eating, "And Fergus married with a son? I just I," her voice broke. "I can't do this."

With that she jumped from the table, and fled to her room. Alistair stared after her for a moment before making up his mind to follow her.

She was seated on the edge of the bed holding her stomach, she wasn't crying but she looked so small and fragile, such a change from the stoic Queen he was used to.

"Elissa, I know it's going to be hard but," she interrupted him with a pleading look in her eyes.

"Who's child is it, Alistair?"

He took a deep breath and walked farther into the room, "It is Cailan's child."

She nodded and when she next looked up her eyes searched his, looking for answers she couldn't remember.

"Were you forced to marry me?"

He sighed, "It wasn't like that, Elissa. It was arranged just as your first marriage."

"So you don't really know me then, we've just met?"

He didn't know how to answer, and at his continued silence her eyes filled with tears. Seeing this, he quickly kneeled before her. "I do know you love books, and I had been hoping to go riding with you, and teach you to use a sword."

"Mother doesn't allow me to do those things."

He laughed, "Yes, but you're Queen now, you get to do as you like."

She laughed, it didn't quite reach her eyes but it was a laugh none the less.

~~0~~

_Three weeks later..._

"Elissa, what in the world are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?"

She cocked another arrow and let it fly; it didn't hit its target landing just to the side.

"Mother would have a fit if she knew you were out here in this cold, using her old bow. You know how she feels."

"Yes, well, Fergus, I've been told I'm Queen now and guess what, that means mother doesn't get to boss me around anymore."

Fergus threw up his hands, and turned to Alistair. "You deal with her, it's been three weeks and she's been acting like a spoiled brat. If it wasn't for her being pregnant, she would be riding all over the countryside getting into Maker knows what kind of trouble. She's acting like a child."

Alistair shrugged and whispered, "She is kind of a child, all those things we learn though life, make us who we are and if she doesn't remember them she's still going to act like she's sixteen."

"Yes well the Elissa I remember at sixteen, was polite and well behaved, not this." He shook his head and left them alone.

Elissa had been flexing her independent muscle since having learned she was Queen; he smiled and wondered what would have been different if she would have had this chance the first time. Though he must say that her mood swings were difficult but he had to admit, he liked them more than her burying every emotion under the proper Queen attitude.

Alistair stepped behind her and smiled, "You're not pulling back far enough, and your finger placement is wrong."

She huffed and raised the bow, defiant to what he was saying, "You're a warrior this is different."

"That may be true my dear, but I have spent enough time around some pretty decent bowmen and let me tell you, you're doing it wrong."

"Here let me show you," He laid his hands over hers, moving her fingers.

"Two fingers like this, and pull all the way back, keep both eyes on your target, now breathe in and as you release your breath release the arrow," He was leaning into her and the smell of her hair and the warmth of her body stirred him. As she released the arrow and it struck the target she squealed and spun, throwing her arms about him caught up in the moment.

His hands were on her waist, and before he could stop it she kissed him, it was an inexperienced kiss, but it was the first kiss that they had shared since that night in the hall that felt real, where he could feel that she meant it, and this time it was meant for him.

He responded, the bow long forgotten on the ground, his hands were in her hair and he pulled her closer to him. He didn't want the kiss to end, but she pulled back, smiled and this time, it reached her eyes.

She bent and picked up the bow and held it out to him, "Will you show me again?" The turn of her head and the slight pout on her lips took his breath away.

"Of course my dear," He pushed her arm away from him and pulled her back into his arms and kissed her softly, opening her mouth to his, finding her tongue with his, he kissed her until she was breathless and giggling in his arms.

"I meant, show me more of the bow," She turned her attention back towards the target and he nodded.

"Oh riiight, the bow yes I can show you that again." His arms went back around her; he was enjoying the feel of her body against his, until the realization of what had just happened hit him.

To her that was a flirtation, this was all new to her. She had no memory of Cailan and her love for him, it was just him now, and just these last week's of getting to know one another. His heart was thudding in his chest as he thought of that. It was only him in her memory now. But what if, he pushed the thought of her remembering everything and then hating him away, he couldn't live in what ifs, right?

Maker, here he was with his pregnant wife and this was all new, he didn't know if he should be thrilled that she wanted to kiss him, or shocked that he had let her.

Maker, what was he going to do?


	6. Chapter 6

Loghain leafed through the papers on his desk, and sat back with a smile as he ripped one from the pile.

A treaty with Orlais, one that would bring trade between the countries and build rapport if the two should ever need each other in battle, bullshit; it hadn't been signed by Cailan and with his help it never would be signed, by anyone. In fact, he had other plans underway to impart upon the Empress how they would never let Orlais back into Ferelden.

"Howe, your man is in place in Orlais is he not?"

"Why yes he is, my Lord, just awaiting your order."

"Soon," He laughed as he held the treaty to the candle on his desk, and then tossed it into the fire.

"I want the battle brought to them; I want them to bleed on their own soil."

Arl Howe nodded, "This was sent by, special courier this morning, it's from Highever."

Loghain took the letter and broke the plain unadorned seal. He skimmed the letter and the laugh that followed was enough to cause a tingle of panic to course up Arl Howe's spine.

"Good news my Lord," he was nervous enough he took a step towards the door.

"Let's just say for now, our problem with the Queen is void, in fact it might be just what I need. A Queen with no memory but the one I give her."

"I've decided," He said as he burnt the letter. "That I think the Queen would make a lovely martyr, don't you think? What better to start a war, I just need the child, and then she is expendable."

Glass broke and tinkled into a thousand pieces, as he tossed his snifter of brandy into the fire.

"I just need her husband to sign the order, what a better way to start it, than with the death of the beloved Queen and mother of Cailans child. Can you smell it, Howe? Revenge, and open war with Orlais."

~~0~~

Alistair drummed his fingers on the table lost in thought; Fergus's presence went unnoticed even as he stood next to him.

"Did you figure out what's with my sister? Besides the fact she's stuck being sixteen? Funny enough if you were to ask me a week ago, I'd have said I would've kissed a darkspawn to be sixteen again, but I'm rethinking that now."

Jumping at Fergus's voice, he sucked in a breath.

"Shit, Fergus make some noise or something."

"If you're thinking about my sister that way, I can come back you know," He laughed, folding his arms over his chest.

"Think about this, Fergus, your mother had her with how many tutors every day? Etiquette classes, politics with her Father, dance classes, music lessons, not to mention all the events she was to attend as the future Queen. She didn't have time for anything. So in her head, she's sixteen and instead of being in classes and all of that she's free, she's doing all those things she was told she wasn't allowed to."

"So what are we going to do?"

Alistair tilted his head to the side and bit the inside of his cheek in thought.

"I'm not sure there is much we can do. Make sure she doesn't hurt herself, and work her easily back into being Queen I suppose. Maybe returning to Denerim will help. So far I need to proceed as if she's not going to get her memories back."

"Well I don't envy you," Fergus looked like he wanted to say more but remained quiet.

"I don't like that look, Fergus, it makes me feel like you're going to tell me you just ran out of my favorite cheese."

"What?" Fergus scrunched up his face in confusion.

"Oh cheese, it's a weakness. No matter, really what's that look for?"

"Just that, well sixteen was a really hard time for Elissa, I don't know what happened but she and mother used to fight a lot, maybe whatever that was, is what is causing this, or at least adding to it?"

Alistair nodded, and lost himself to his thoughts, as Fergus exited the room.

~~0~~

Alistair found her in the library that afternoon, with Anders seated next to her and the Elf that had traveled with them from Denerim, leaning over the back of her chair. They were all laughing about something in the book on her lap.

As he stood in the doorway Anders leaned back laughing, "I've seen a lot and I don't even think that's possible."

The elf chuckled and responded in his thick Antivan accent, "No my friend that is possible, I've done this myself, on more than one occasion."

The elf gave a sideways glance to the door where he was standing, "What think you friends has the King done this one?" He pointed at something in the book, and Elissa blushed closing the book and stuffing it between the chair and her skirts.

Anders laughed again and the elf bowed to Elissa, "I am sorry my most lovely Queen, but I have things to attend to and must leave you." He took her hand brushed a kiss over her knuckles, bowed slightly to Alistair at the door and brushed past him down the hall. Alistair watched him go; there was something about the way the elf walked. He shook his head and turned back to Anders and Elissa.

"So what's so funny?" Their faces both went deadpan, as they stared at each other out of the corners of their eyes before bursting out in laughter.

"Oh nothing, Zev just found this book in my father's collection that," She blushed again as he interrupted her, "Zev?"

"Oh the elf his name is Zevran, he's got some great stories from his time in Antiva." Anders pointed towards the book next to the Queen.

"And were just laughing about something in this silly book about the art of love," Alistair eyebrow shot up, as Elissa's head dipped.

"We were just looking really. I'm sorry," She looked as if she was about to be scolded.

"I'm not mad, Elissa, just wondering what had you all in an uproar."

Anders looked from the King to the Queen, and jumped up.

"I promised the healer I'd go help in the infirmary, if he'd introduce me to the cute red-head in the kitchen, I had better hold up my end of the bargain." He laid his hand on Elissa's forehead, "If the headaches get worse you'll tell me, 'Lissa, right?"

"I will thank you, Anders."

He bowed and exited the library, with a slight bounce in his step.

Alistair took the chair across from her sliding it closer, "Lissa? I didn't know you liked to be called that."

"My friends call me Lissa."

"Okay then, Lissa. Can I ask you something?"

"Only if I get to ask you something back," She was smiling at him, a twinkle of something mischievous in her eyes.

"I agree, but I get to go first." Pausing trying to figure out how to phrase the question he realised that to her she was most likely having this argument with her mother now, so it wasn't a memory.

"Lissa, what are you arguing with your mother about? Your brother seems quite concerned, and you know how he can be."

Elissa's smile faded and she stared at her hands, "I'm not sure I should say. With everything, it doesn't make sense anymore."

"You can tell me, 'Lissa."

Hesitating, she twisted her gown in her hand trying to calm her nerves, "I told mother I didn't want to be Queen. That, it was her life she was trying to live through me, and that I wanted no part of it, that I would rather ask father to marry Teagan and live in the Bannorn."

Alistair sighed, there it was. She hadn't wanted this life, but somehow the girl she was, and is again in her mind, and the woman he first met in Denerim, had learned to live together, and even learned to love the person that signified her entrapment.

"Mother told me I was to never mention it to my Father, because he indulges me too much. So I told Teagan no." She held a hand to her head, her eyes closed against the headache.

"But apparently it all happened and more and now here you are and," a tear rolled down her cheek and splattered on her hand. "It's not fair, all these things you say happened, they happened to someone else and I don't know what to do." Her hands rested on her belly that was now starting to show beneath her gown.

His hand was soft on her cheek as she turned her eyes, bright with tears to him. Taking a deep breath she placed her hand on top of his. "Now it's my turn, Alistair, why do we not share a room? We're married, my parents share a room. Did I make you angry with me? I," she sputtered and started again. "I know I don't remember the things you say I should, so if I did anything to displease you, I'm sorry."

He stroked his thumb over her lips, "No, 'Lissa you have done nothing wrong. I just thought you could use some time and didn't need some man messing up your room." He grinned trying to put her at ease but it only seemed to upset her more.

"Do you love me, Alistair; are we in love I mean?" Her voice was so low he had to strain to hear her.

The question hit him hard, and the face of a sweet innocent romantic stared back at him. He wasn't sure how to answer that, he could tell her yes and things could go on from there but he couldn't bring himself to lie to her, so instead he settled on the best truth he could give her.

"I think we could be, 'Lissa. I would like the chance to love you, if you'll let me."

Leaning forward he brushed his lips softly over hers, tasting the salt of her tears.

Nodding she opened her lips to speak and he ran his tongue over her bottom lip. The little gasp she released was all he needed and he pulled her forward onto his lap. The kiss was gentle rather than the heated exchange they had outside. He nuzzled her neck, the lavender smell he had grown to love hit his senses hard, and he nibbled on the base of her neck resisting the urge to pick her up and carry her to their room right then.

He forced himself to stop kissing her before he did just that, keeping her in the circle of his arms he breathed in the scent of her hair.

Her hands were placed around his neck playing with his hair. "In spite of everything, I think I'm a very lucky girl."

Alistair tilted his head enjoying the feeling of her fingers on his skin and in his hair, "How so my dear?"

"Well, you're funny, you don't try and act like my father, and you're very handsome. So I think as far as husbands go, I lucked out to wake up with you as mine."

"Well you haven't seen my deplorable manners at state functions, and not to mention my terrible dancing and lack of regard for etiquette."

She laughed, "Perfect, I hate those etiquette lessons. I can teach you to dance though; I want you to dance with me." She ran a hand down his arms and then over his chest. She had no idea what her simple touch was doing to him.

"You're strong and I think you would be a fantastic dancer."

"You say that now, but wait till I'm out there and you feel like you've a two-hundred pound metal golem stomping on your toes."

Her stomach rumbled causing her to giggle, standing up with her in his arms he gently stood her on her feet.

"Let's get you something to eat; I'm sure that's the baby's way of telling you it's been far too long."

"You know what I would just die for right now? Cheese, bread, oh and spicy sausage my father has, he never lets anyone near it, but I bet I can convince Nan to give us some."

"You had me at Cheese. Lead the way, 'Lissa."

From his position in the shadows Zev watched the two leave. The Queen was beautiful, charming and full of promised life. The King was a fool for not having her in bed yet, moaning his name.

He wanted her but his job demanded that she would be sacrificed for his employer. What a sad game these nobles play. He walked away, his thoughts drifting to how she would feel beneath him. Perhaps she didn't need to die; shaking his head he brushed the thought away. She wouldn't leave with him, and even if she did his life would be forfeit. No, it wasn't possible, but perhaps there was another answer.

~~0~~

Elissa nibbled on a piece of cheese and then cut another slice for Alistair, "You weren't kidding you really do like cheese."

Before he could respond, they heard the clatter of horses in the Castles yard. "Do you think father and Fergus are back?" Alistair followed her to the front doors and down the steps. "Teagan, Eamon!" She squeeled and skipped to Teagan then Eamon and hugged them in turn, "Teagan your hair."

She touched the braid at the front, "When did you have time to do that? It was short and I just saw you," She drifted off as Alistair laid a hand on her arm. She looked frustrated again, and he knew her head must be hurting from the look on her face.

"I'm going to go lay down, Alistair, if you see Anders would you send him to my room?"

"Of course, 'Lissa, go ahead I'll be in to see you soon."

She left with Teagan and Eamon staring after her, shock written plainly on their faces. "Then it's true your Majesty," Eamon asked, his voice full of concern.

"I'm afraid so."

Teagan eyes didn't leave the door as she disappeared, "Loghain said as much but I just couldn't believe it."

Alistair motioned for them to follow him inside, "Not that I'm not glad to see the two of you, but the look on your faces tells me I should be worried, what brings you?"

"Loghain sent us to escort you both back to the Palace. War is looming and by his reports," Teagan paused and a look was shared between he and Eamon that set the hair on the back of Alistairs neck on end.

"There have been threats against the Queens life and that of Cailans child. We would all feel better if she was in the protective confines of the palace."

Alistair nodded and Zevran almost scoffed from his place just inside the castle door.

Nothing like a very public place to make a very public statement, oh like the murder of a queen in cold blood by the order of the Empress of Orlais herself.


	7. Chapter 7

Alistair found Elissa in her room, she lay on the bed, Anders seated next to her, one hand rested on her forehead, the other on her stomach. Alistair smiled and nodded when Anders looked up at him.

"How is she?"

"She's sleeping now, but you know, Alistair, it's the weirdest thing. Her headaches are worse when she's confronted with things, such as Teagan, she was very upset at how old he looks." Anders shook his head, "It's almost like she doesn't want to remember."

The look Anders turned on him then, caused Alistair to lift an eyebrow in question. "What is it?"

"I think she was in love with Teagan, or at least had a crush on him."

Alistair nodded, "I know, she told me that she had wanted to ask her father to be able to marry Teagan instead, but her mother had put a stop to it. I'm not sure it was love, more not wanting to be Queen. Well actually, I'm one-hundred percent sure that Teagan was in love with her, I'm sure he still is."

Anders cleared his throat and rose from the bed. "Yes, well I can't blame him; she's enough to cause any man to lose his good senses."

"Yet here I allow you in her room, unescorted." Anders' eyes went wide but Alistair grinned.

"Maker yes, she's beautiful, but to tell you the truth, she's like my little sister, I worry about her. Besides, I have enough troubles, you know with bloody Templar's. Besides, she's more of a forever kind of girl I think. And I'm not really there yet, I'm kind of a right now, and for tonight, kind of man." Anders laughed softly.

"Just means you haven't met the right girl yet," Alistair was talking to Anders, but his eyes rested fully on Elissa, sleeping soundly on the bed.

"True, but I think you have."

Alistair blushed and Anders tried to hold back his snicker. "You're married to her; you might as well be in love with her."

Alistair ignored this with a brush of his hand, "Listen, Anders, Eamon and Teagan have come to take us back to the palace. I really don't want her to travel, let alone be in the palace, well like this. I'm sure Loghain is going to have me tied up with matters of state to no end. What I'm trying to say here, in a really bad, roundabout way is, would you come back with us, stay on as Elissa's healer?"

Anders looked from the sleeping Elissa and then back to Alistair, and was nodding before he had even really thought about it.

"You do realize I'm a wanted apostate."

"Yes well, you're now the personal healer to the Queen of Ferelden," He held up his hand as Anders began to question. "I'll take care of it, just take care of her, and promise me, no matter what, when I can't be there, you'll be there."

"I swear I'll take care of her, no matter what."

~~0~~

The carriage was quiet as Elissa lay with her head in Alistair's lap. Anders reached across from where he was seated, laying a hand on her forehead.

"She's sleeping; it was just the movement of the carriage," Anders nodded at the unspoken question in Alistair's eyes. "The baby is fine, she's resting. We just need to keep the headaches down, so she can eat."

Alistair nodded, running his hand gently over her soft golden curls.

The carriage pulled to a stop, there was a gentle tap on the carriage window before Teagan eased himself on to the seat next to Anders. His eyes softly caressed Elissa's face before lifting towards Alistair.

"Is she okay?"

"She will be, she's just not feeling well from the carriage ride. Ever since the fall, she gets nasty headaches."

Teagan frowned and motioned towards Anders, "You'll keep him on then, to keep Elissa well. You'll have the Templar's breathing down your neck."

"I'm sure I don't care, what's the point to being King, if I don't get to bend the rules a little while I'm at it?"

Teagan's mouth moved into a half smile, as he stared out the window towards the other carriage.

"Loghain wants to have a ball for the Queen when we return; I think he wants to show everyone she's well. I'm not sure it's the best idea though."

Elissa's eyes fluttered open and she sat up, covering a small yawn with the back of her hand.

Alistair adjusted himself to give her room, but she scooted next to him laying her head on his shoulder. The simple gesture caused his heart to swell, and he smiled down at her, but she wasn't looking at him, she was staring at Teagan.

"You said a ball? I think that would be lovely, don't you, Alistair? You'll dance with me of course, Teagan, the dance we just learned, we can teach Alistair, and Anders you'll be invited, you know how to dance?"

Anders chuckled, "Yes, I know how to dance; it was one of the things we did in the tower, to keep ourselves busy. Well besides the more, private things."

Elissa blushed, and Alistair couldn't help but chuckle. His pregnant wife, embarrassed at the slightest mention of bedroom activities. The thought hit him then, that when he did make love to her. It would be like her first time, as well as his.

The thought caused him to wonder if it was in fact her first time at that age. He saw the way she looked at Teagan. He couldn't imagine them having gone any farther than a stolen kiss. But the thought began to gnaw at him, and as they clattered in to the palace courtyard, the thought had settled deep in the pit of his stomach.

~~0~~

Loghain met them at the Palace gate, and as Elissa stepped out of the carriage he took her hand in his, and quickly led her towards the door.

"Your Majesty, I'm so pleased to see you, you look well. We were so relieved to hear that the baby was alright. We're sure that with time, you shall make a full recovery."

Elissa nodded, "Thank you, I am quite tired. I know there must be many things you need to talk to me about, but I need to lie down." She glanced behind her and motioned for Alistair.

"Will you take me to our room Alistair?" His heart swelled at the fact that she wished to share a room with him and he grinned.

"Of course Lissa, Loghain, I'm going to escort the Queen to our chambers and then I will meet you in the hall. We can deal with," he paused mid sentence, glancing towards Elissa, he hadn't told her the real reason for their trip back to Denerim. "Well, we will deal with the situation at hand."

Loghain smiled to himself, as he watched the Royal couple walk away hand in hand. Alistair it seemed was falling for the Queen. That would make this so much easier, threaten her life and he would do anything to keep her safe, or to revenge her death, he thought with a chuckle, and turned towards the hall.

Once in their rooms, Elissa quickly kicked off her slippers, flexing her toes.

"My slippers don't fit as well as they used to, I think I'm going to need new ones."

"Then you shall have new ones Lissa. Why don't you lay down, I'm worried about you. You didn't eat well on the trip, I will send for bread, cheese and your father sent some of the spicy sausage you like."

She sat on the edge of the bed and smiled up at him.

"Thank you, for doing this, I know you don't have to. I feel really lucky that you want to take care of me, you could just leave me with my ladies and be done with it."

Alistair kneeled at her feet, taking her hands in his; turning them he kissed her palms, and then her wrists in turn.

"I want to take care of you, Lissa, you and our," he was cut off as her lips brushed against his in a question and he responded, pulling her forward, his hands sank into her hair as her mouth opened, and his tongue brushed against hers. Wrapping her hands around his neck, he could feel her chest heaving against his, and he shuttered at the wave of desire that pulsed through his body.

"Lissa," He whispered against her lips, as he pulled back slightly. Her lips were a deep red from having him kiss her, and he wanted nothing more than to continue the loss of himself with her, but this wasn't the time. He pulled back, kissed her gently on the forehead, and helped her lay back, pulling a small quilt over her feet. The little mew of protest almost broke him, before he stepped back fully from the bed.

"Rest, Lissa, I'll have Anders bring you food and check on you. I'll be back after I've calmed Loghain down."

He turned back towards the bed as he reached the door, her dark lashes were flush against her pale cheek, and she was already asleep. As he closed the door, he chastised himself. He should have more restraint with her; she needed rest, not him panting all over her.

He found Anders in the hall by the larder, flirting with a plump brunette maid.

"Pardon me, I hope I'm not interrupting," the maid dropped her eyes to the floor, curtsied and quickly disappeared down the hall.

"Really, you'd think the King would attract women, not frighten them away. Maker, do you know how long it's going to take me to find her in this bloody huge place you call a house."

"Actually, I don't think I ever called it a house, it's a palace and it's why I would prefer for Lissa and I to spend our time elsewhere. But, for now, Loghain swears it's the safest place for her and the baby. Speaking of which, that's why I came to find you. I need to get to the hall and deal with whatever is going on. Would you take some of that sausage and cheese, and maybe a bit of wine up to Elissa? She's very weak, she's already asleep. I would make me feel better if you checked on her, and stayed with her."

"Sure, of course, it's nice to see you worry about her. Though I think it's more than just worry, I think you're in love with her."

Alistair blushed and moved past him down the hall, "Just stick to the mage bit, before I have to drain you and leave you laying somewhere for the Templar's to find."

Anders lifted his hands in surrender. "Fine, but you'll have to admit it to yourself at some point."

~~0~~

"It's true, your Majesty, we caught two Orlaision assassins, they haven't talked yet, but I'm confident they will. They were caught in the gardens, where the Queen often visits. I've tripled the guard, but we cannot let a direct attack from the Orlaisions go unanswered."

Alistair drummed his fingers on the table in thought.

"We aren't sure though where they were sent from, I won't assume anything, we must know for sure. Get me that information and we'll go from there, until then make sure the guard is checked and changed often.

He glanced up as movement caught his eye at the door, as the elf Zevran moved silently away, it hit him, that walk was a fighter's walk, the way he stood, even the way he gestured. There was much more to the elf than he had thought.

~~0~~

When Elissa awoke, it was dark out; her room was lit by the soft fire in the corner, and a single candle on the table across from the bed, where Anders sat reading.

"I didn't know you read, I thought your specialties included chasing women and making me feel better."

Anders laughed softly, setting the book aside and walking over to the bed, laying a hand on her forehead.

"Those are only a few of my better qualities, I'm actually quiet deep."

She smiled, her eyes glancing around the room. "Where is Alistair?"

"I'm not sure Elissa, but I think you should come have something to eat." He frowned at the disappointed look on her face and took her by the hand leading her to the table.

"I'm sure he's just held up with business."

She nodded and sat down, quietly picking at the food. She sipped the wine he had brought her that had mixed with something and she eyed him over the rim of the glass.

"Don't look at me like that, I'm not trying to knock you out, it's just so you can keep your food down. Though, you should rest more Lissa."

She shrugged his concern away, "I was just hoping that Alistair would," She trailed off and Anders nodded.

"I know, but he does worry about you."

"I'm sure he does," The frown spread across her face and Anders rose and hugged her.

"I need to retire to my room, I'm very tired and if I was to fall asleep here, it's different than at your house. You know how these people love to talk."

She nodded. "Yes, before you know it we'd be running off together, at least in the stories."

"Right or I'd have bewitched you, turned your mind from the King. We wouldn't want that."

With those words he let himself out into the hall and sighed, Alistair was being a fool.

~~0~~

Elissa waited until she was sure that Anders would be down the hall in his room. She opened the door, glancing left then right before making her way to the stairs and towards the study.

There was light coming from the door and she paused outside. Teagan was alone, his back to the door, leaning on the hearth staring into the fire. Taking the opportunity she slipped past the door and towards the gardens.

Teagan turned just in time to see a blue skirt disappear past the doorway. Same colour that Elissa had been wearing earlier that day, he paused wondering if she was with Alistair. Unsure of if he should follow; his concern for her outweighed the thought that he might be interrupting a night stroll.

Making his way into the garden he found her, alone walking towards the stables.

"Elissa," she froze, but didn't turn to him.

"What are you doing out here alone? You shouldn't be out here at night, not in your condition. Please, your Majesty, let me take you back to your room. She sighed and let him take her arm as he approached, and turned her towards the palace.

"I hate it that you call me that. Can't I just be your 'Lissa"?

Teagan pointedly ignored the question, knowing it would not lead anywhere either of them needed to be, and instead asked, "What are you doing out here?"

Chewing on her lip, she tried to stop the tears she felt in her voice.

"I was looking for Alistair, I know he likes to visit the stables, I was just concerned. Do you know where he is?"

"No, I'm afraid I haven't seen the King since earlier in the hall with Loghain." He hated the look she turned on him, she was trying to hide it, but the tears in her hazel eyes shone in the moonlight.

"I'm sure he just got busy with," She cut him off as they reached the top of the stairs.

"I know, he's busy with matters of the Kingdom, I get that, Teagan, I just don't think it's too much to ask for him to come to bed with his wife do you?"

Teagan frowned and shook his head. "I'm sorry your Majesty, I wish I knew what to say."

She shook her head and stepped through the double doors to the Royal apartments.

"Thank you, Teagan." Before he could stop her, she traced his braid with her fingers and smiled sadly, "I think it suits you." Their eyes met and held on to each other, a memory came rushing back to him of that summer, and he could see every emotion flicker over her face as she let her fingers slide over his cheek, before turning and entering the room.

The door closed and Teagan laid his hand against the warm wood, letting her go. There was so much he wanted to say, so much she had stirred in him on the trip back to Denerim, things he had been sure she hadn't thought about ever again. And one thing he was sure of, if she was his wife, no, he wouldn't think about that. He sighed deeply, willing the memories to leave him as he turned from the door, and walked away.

Alistair had just reached the top of the stairs as Teagan moved away from his room and down the hall.

What in the Makers name was Teagan doing outside his door at this time of night? His stomach clinched as he waited for Teagan to walk into the other hall, before approaching his room. He opened the doors as quietly as he could. Closing them he let his eyes adjust to the low light.

He could see Elissa, face down on the far side of the large bed and he could swear he heard sobs.

"Lissa," He heard her sniff and watched as she turned her face to him. The hair that covered her face was damp from her tears. He was at her side instantly, brushing the hair from her face, she pulled back from his hand, and pushed the rest of her hair behind her ear.

"Lissa, are you okay? Were you hurt, why was Teagan here?"

She frowned and shrugged, "He found me looking for you, brought me back here for my own good I suppose. I guess I'm not supposed to be outside by myself anymore."

"Why would you go outside?"

She narrowed her eyes, but the anger she felt didn't reach them, instead the tears began to fall anew.

"I was looking for you, I was afraid you were going to sleep somewhere else, or that you," She frowned at her own thought, and Alistair reached out touching the back of her hand.

"What are you worried about dearest, tell me."

She sniffed before finally saying in a soft whisper, "That you may have someone else here, I know how arranged marriages are."

Alistair was shocked; she thought he would take someone else? Though to be fair, Cailan had, well by everything he'd ever heard, he had.

"No, Elissa, never, I was worried about you, I was just hoping that you had eaten, and may be asleep again. I know how much you need it."

But she didn't hear the last part and the tears flowed harder as she sobbed, "If you don't like me just say so, I thought, the way you kissed me, I thought you wanted me."

He pulled her closer to him and hugged her close to his chest, "I do want you, Elissa. I just worry about you."

She shook her head, rejecting his words, "I'm not a doll; I'm not going to shatter if you touch me."

"I know I'm sorry I wasn't thinking. I do have a habit of doing that, one of my less kingly qualities."

She smiled through her tears, "I was really afraid that we were going to have one of those marriages. Things feel so different here. And with Teagan, and I just," her eyes went to the door and then dropped to her hands.

Alistair forced himself to ignore her thoughts about Teagan, reminding himself of the time she was living in.

"I'm sorry, Lissa, I want us to try, and I haven't really been helping that, you're so," He paused looking over her face. "You're so small and golden, I'm afraid."

"Don't be, Alistair, just kiss me, and be with me."

Alistair lay with her in the circle of his arms, letting his hand run over her hair and down her back, her face was pressed into his chest. He lifted her lips to his and kissed her softly; he moved and kissed her chin and cheeks, kissing the tears away.

She smiled and snuggled closer to him, and as he held her he realized that he was afraid, afraid of losing her, just the thought was enough to cause his heart to ache.

And as he lay with her in his arms, the realization of what this all meant hit him. Anders was right, he admitted finally. He was falling in love with his wife.


	8. Chapter 8

Elissa awoke to find she was alone, the too large bed was empty next to her and she sighed realizing that Alistair had left her again. She silently chided herself for being silly, of course he didn't want her, she reminded herself as she touched the bulge of her stomach and pursed her lips. Not only had he been forced to marry her, he was forced to take on the child of another man, the child was not only not his, but his brothers. A constant reminder of the fact he was never meant to be King, and that the child was preferred over him. She had listened to the gossip around the palace enough to garner this information for herself.

The sound of her door opening brought her back from the realm of self-pity. Her eyes turned towards the door as Anders poked his head inside.

"Oh, Lissa I thought you'd be up by now. You must be starving, come I'll fetch one of your ladies and then you can join me for breakfast."

"Maker, Anders leave it, I can dress myself thank you very much."

Anders sighed, shaking his head at the defiant look on her face.

"I'm not worried about you dressing yourself. I'm sure you can, I'm worried about you trying to do up your laces, and as I'm in no mood to be hung today, I won't be doing it. Let me get one of your maids it's what they do. Then we shall go."

He watched as her eyes dropped to the floor, she looked like she wanted to stomp her foot in protest, and it was all he could do to keep himself from laughing.

"What has you in such a huff this morning? If you promise to smile and let your ladies help you, I have some news you'll want to hear."

She eyed him with suspicion, but couldn't keep the glint of curiosity out of her eyes and Anders knew he had her.

"Ugh, fine, call them."

Half an hour later, Elissa's ladies left and Anders re-entered her room carrying a tray of food, he watched the last lady leave with an appraising smile and Elissa couldn't help but roll her eyes and snort softly.

"Don't tell me you're dallying with my ladies now."

"What, no, I'm shocked you would assume that I would aim so high. I was just appreciating the view."

Anders sat the tray of food on the small table, and pulled out the chair. As she sat he laid a hand on her forehead, lifting a sandy blond eyebrow at her.

"How are the headaches?"

Elissa brushed away his concern, as well as his hand and motioned for him to sit. "I'm fine, I've got used to the headaches."

Frowning, Anders picked up a piece of bread, spread honey and butter on it, and sat it before her.

"Why don't you tell me what this news is, that I just had to know."

He smiled leaning back in the chair across from her, watching as she ate he remained quiet before finally reaching forward to pour her tea. He watched as she flicked her golden curls behind her shoulder.

"Well?"

"Oh, right well, there is going to be a ball, for you actually. The one Teagan was talking about, it's going to happen. Since it is the Winter solstice, Loghain thought it would be good for you, also since you're going to be entering your confinement in a month."

The smile that had shown on Elissa's face at the mention of a ball, faded quickly at the reminder of her confinement.

"Does that mean I won't get to see you anymore?"

Anders chuckled and poured her more tea. "No, I'm afraid you're stuck with me. I have the unique task of taking care of you no matter what," He smiled as he reached forward to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Alistair trusts that I won't ravish you, in exchange I don't have to go back to the blasted tower."

The transformation to her face was instant, tears welled in her eyes and her lower lip quivered.

"So you're only here with me, because it keeps you out of Templar hands? It seems no one wishes to be with me, simply for," A sob cut off the rest of her thought, as tears streamed down her face.

Anders was shocked, and pulled his hand back from her as quickly as if she had burned him.

"Makers knickers, what's this all about Lissa?"

"Nothing," She stood wiping the tears away with the back of her hand.

"Lissa, don't you think you should calm down?"

"Leave me alone, Anders, I'll call for you if you're needed. For now, I think you have women who you would prefer to spend your time with."

"Damn it, Lissa, what's with you today? You know I love and care for you as I would my own blood."

He stood taking a step towards her; Elissa quickly stuck out a hand to stop his movement towards her, and gave a little impatient stamp of her foot.

"I said leave, Anders, _Now."_

Anders stopped and backed towards the open door, stepping through it he bowed slightly.

"Yes, your Majesty," With that he turned and walked down the hall.

Elissa grabbed the heavy door and yelled after him, "Don't bloody call me that!" She slammed the door as best she could, turned and slumped on to the bed, lying on her side she let her hand slide over her stomach and the tears started anew.

~~0~~

The night of the Winter Solstice was bright, the moon reflecting off the snow making it look like mid-day. It was beautiful, everything so perfectly still and white, you could hear every sound, every movement. She sighed, tugging at the blue gown, it had the high waist she had always loved, this time though it wasn't for style, it was to help hide the ever growing bulge that had once been her slim waist. Soon these gowns would no longer be of use and she would have to enter her confinement. She would be restricted from public events; she would be able to entertain in only small groups.

She mused that this wouldn't be a problem, as she seemed to stay indoors mostly now, and any friends she had, were either, dead or had moved on with their lives. Was her life really always so lonely now?

She sat letting her lady pin-up her hair, colour her cheeks and finish her laces.

She refused the looking glass when it was offered to her, instead turning, and following the growing sound of voices, laughter and tinkling glasses.

She was normally so fond of balls, but in the days leading up to this, she couldn't pull herself out of the pit of self-loathing in which she had found herself. It didn't help that Alistair had been called away with Loghain, Teagan and Eamon on business outside of Denerim. Since their tiff, Anders had come only three times a day, to make sure she was eating and to give her the draught he mixed for her headaches.

She missed him, but was much too embarrassed to tell him so. The elf they had befriended had come to see her once in a while, but also seemed distant. Things were so different here; she cursed the palace as she entered the ball room.

She was shown to the high table and as she sat, she caught sight of Anders dancing with a pretty red-head. She smiled in spite of herself, the smile was short lived however as her eyes moved over the dance floor. She hadn't thought she was this late. The ball was already well underway, perhaps she should have attended dinner, rather than sulking in her room, about the fact that none of her favorite dresses fit her anymore.

Her eyes settled on Alistair, and she realized with a jolt that he was dancing, with, could that be, Delilah Howe? She blinked and refocused on the couple, yes that must be Delilah, she wasn't the slight pale girl who Elissa had known she had turned into quite the dark-haired beauty. She stood out against Alistair's golden features and hair. Elissa choked down a sip of wine and tried to avert her eyes, but every time they made a round of the room she couldn't help but look.

This was who Alistair should have been married to, someone that wasn't ruined. In more ways than one she mused.

Sipping on her wine, Elissa realized no one had noticed her, nor spoken to her since she had entered the room, it was as if she was invisible. Loghain was nowhere to be seen, busy with matters of state no doubt. She remembered that he had always hated balls and formal events, when she and Anora had been in their coming out season. Her heart clinched, she and Anora had been good friends once, Anora had even tried to convince her to ask her father, to release her from her betrothal so she could run to the country with Teagan. She closed her eyes against the memory of her, she had been told Anora had died in childbirth and she couldn't bring herself to think of her as nothing more than a memory.

With one last glance around the room, Elissa rose from the table and slipped quietly and seemingly unseen from the room.

Teagan watched Elissa leave; he had watched her since she entered the room. She looked so pale, more so than normal. Her normally bright golden hair seemed dull in the candle light and he longed to speak with her, he had been about to approach the high table when he followed her gaze to the dance floor, tears threatened, turning her eyes into lucid pools of water. The sight froze him, as the pain danced over her face and into his heart. She was so lost and in that moment he saw her for the sixteen year old that she felt she was.

As he watched her slip from the room, he waited, and when he was sure no one was looking he followed her.

He watched as she held her skirts and ran, with a practiced grace that made it seem as if she was not running at all, but gliding from room to room.

She halted this glide in front of what he realized was Loghain's office, she tapped gently and he heard Loghain call for her entrance. As she made her way into the room, ignoring his better judgment, Teagan leaned against the wall next to the door, listening.

"Ah, your Majesty why are you not enjoying your ball?" Loghain was perplexed as the Queen stood silent before him.

"I have been thinking, I think it was a mistake, you shouldn't have had Alistair marry me. I'm sure we all thought it was for the best at the time, I don't remember, but now I'm sure it was a mistake."

Loghain all but dropped the papers he was holding as he turned to the Queen.

"Your Majesty? I'm quite sure I don't understand your meaning, you wished to remain Queen, and you wanted your child to know they were the child of the King."

"I'm not a good Queen; I don't know anything besides what I've learned in my studies, I don't remember, Anders says I may never remember. I'm sure Alistair would benefit from having a wife who would bear only his children."

Loghain had the urge to reach out and strangle the small slip of a girl before him; the chit would be the death of him. He just needed her to have the damned child and he would help her be rid of her burden of the crown. He needed her close, he needed the child here; she could be damned after that.

"Your Majesty, have you discussed this with the King? The child is already written into the line of succession. I suppose if you were willing to have the marriage annulled, but were willing to give up the child to the Royal appointments, something could be worked out. However, you would not be allowed back, where would you go, Highever?"

He was only entertaining her, to keep the tears behind her eyes, he hated when a woman cried, not because he felt sorry for them, but because it showed how weak they really were, and it sickened him. If she wanted to run, he counted out on his hand how close she was to being due and felt like cussing, child be damned, he could start this now, kill her and the child, Alistair could remarry after the war, if he lived.

"I think your Majesty that you should consider talking to the King first, if it is true he doesn't want you, we can figure something out." He had a hard time not grinning at his last words, oh he would figure it out, and it would end with her being out of the way, permanently.

Elissa nodded and left the room, instead of turning back to her own apartments, or the ball room, she walked down the gallery hall, and she stood at the end looking at a picture that she was sure, could only be her.

She frowned; the woman in the picture looked so regal, mature and sure of herself. She felt none of those things, how could this woman and she be the same person? The man behind her she recognized instantly as Cailan, he had only grown more handsome since their betrothal feast last year. The frown on her face deepened as she reminded herself, that wasn't last year.

It was hard for her to think of him as dead, she couldn't remember this picture, nor anything of him besides his sideways boyish glances as their betrothal was announced to the world. She was struggling to remember, something, anything when a hand landed on her shoulder, causing her to cry out softly in alarm, she spun around right into the arms of Teagan.

"I'm sorry, Lissa, I didn't mean to frighten you, I was just worried about you, I'm not sure you should be out here alone, would you allow me to escort you back to the ball?"

Elissa studied his face, ignoring his question and instead asked one of her own.

"Teagan, are you married?"

Teagan's hand slipped down slightly on her shoulder, he knew he shouldn't touch her like this, but the feel of the silk of her dress, and the heat of her body beneath his hand caused him to lose his senses.

"No, Lissa I'm not."

"Why?"

"I don't see why that's important."

"It is, Teagan, tell me."

"Because I'm in love with you, in all these years, no one could be you."

He was as shocked as Elissa looked, he couldn't believe he had said the words that for so long had gone unspoken. He had just betrayed his King and country, and he almost laughed, that he had denied his heart for so long that it almost felt normal.

"I'm sorry, Teagan, I shouldn't have asked. But I was just wondering."

"Elissa, I harbor no misconceptions, you were never to be mine." Teagan wanted to shout that if Alistair did not want her, he would take her away from here in an instant. But he held his tongue; his hypocrisy seemed to be limitless. He would tell her he loved her, but the one thing that could take that pained tortured look from her eyes, he couldn't bear to say.

She had always made her choice, she was born to be Queen, and he had to shake his head and remind himself that in her mind she was only sixteen; she had just lived that one wild summer with him.

"Your Majesty we should," He was cut short as he watched her lick her lips with the tip of her tongue, lean forward and press her lips to his. They were cool and silky against his but he was frozen in place. Dear Maker what should he do, he wanted to push her away, he needed to push her away. Placing both hands on her shoulders he set her back from him.

"Elissa, listen I can't you know that, you're married, you're the Queen, Maker be damned."

He saw the curl of her lip as her eyes filled with tears.

"You too, I wish Anders would have just left me at the bottom of that bloody cliff."

Her words were that of a young girl and Teagan felt pity wash through him. He reached out for her but she took a step back, a few tears streaked down her face, he had never seen her cry, but word was lately she had done little else. She stepped back from him with a glare.

"Don't," And with that she turned from him all grace forgotten, and ran down the hall.

~~0~~

Alistair had watched his wife enter the ball room. His heart had leapt at the sight of her, she was pale and she looked worried. He had wanted nothing more than to go to her, lay his hand against her cheek and tell her everything was fine. He had been dutifully stuck though, he had been introduced to Howe's daughter and she demanded that she dance with him.

He had learned to dance; Anders had given him secret lessons. He had hoped to surprise Elissa but as he caught the look she was giving him, it was anything but surprise. His heart felt as if it was about the fly out of his chest at that look. He watched her leave the room. He prayed to the Maker she was just headed back to her rooms because she didn't feel well. He had just excused himself from Lady Howe, when Teagan left the room. He paused, and with that he was surrounded again. Damn it all, Teagan had just followed his wife, to Maker knows where, and he was stuck in yet another dance with some lady he didn't even know the bloody name of, blast it.

Elissa, composed herself before she re-entered the ball room. She was focused this time, if no one wanted to be around her, well fine, she would force them. It was like a wall, it fell behind her eyes, it fell in front of her emotions and she let it cut her off, she let the cold circle around her heart, as she sat back down at the high table.

Alistair saw her as she sat, she nodded towards him, her cheeks were flushed and her lips red. What in the void had she and Teagan been doing in the damned hall?

Alistair excused himself from the group and sat next to his wife.

"Lissa are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Alistair, thank you for your concern." Her voice was cold, impassive. What was going on? Was this the same girl who had fallen asleep in his arms not a week before?

"Lissa I," But he was cut off as she stood when Teagan entered the room again. He looked as shocked as Alistair felt, when she took Teagan's hand and lead him to the dance floor.

She shouldn't have danced and she knew it, but she didn't care. If no one wanted her for her, she was going to flaunt that she was the damned Queen and could do as she bloody well pleased.

She danced three dances with Teagan, unheard of for anyone not courting, especially unheard of for a married woman, let alone the Queen.

She was laughing and leaning into Teagan, who still looked shocked, his face pleading someone to do something with the Queen.

Alistair had sat watching her; he had no idea what to do. Every time he had tried to approach her she had shaken her head and waved him off.

Eamon approached him with a slight frown marring his face.

"Your Majesty, I know this is a trying time for the Queen, it is why I suggested forgoing this ball until after the birth of your child. It is obvious that she is unwell. You must do something before any more gossip starts. Everyone already talks about how much time she spends with the mage, which we both know is for her own good. But for them to talk about her and Teagan, we both know why that is very unwise."

Alistair nodded and stood to go fetch Elissa.

"Dearest, I think it's time we retired." She shook her head but Alistair firmed his voice.

"It wasn't a request darling, think of the baby. Come."

Elissa took his arm and silently walked with him, through the nods and bows of those present, to the candle lit hall. Once in their rooms she pulled away from him, standing in front of the fireplace.

"Elissa, what is going on? By all reports you've locked yourself away, Anders said you quarreled with him. You don't come to the dinner of your own ball and worst of all you left with Teagan, to do Maker knows what."

She turned cold impassive eyes at him, and he inhaled sharply at the menace in that simple look.

"I'm not sure what it matters to you."

"What does that mean? Why wouldn't it matter to me? I'm your husband."

She nodded, of course, he was worried about appearances.

"I'm sorry, I had left to talk to Loghain, I thought since you seem displeased with me, that perhaps you could have me set aside, the child would of course be sent to the palace, to be your heir apparent. But you seemed so taken with Lady Howe." She snorted. "That you danced with her all night, I thought you didn't even know how to dance."

Her gaze was unflinching and his heart thumped so hard at the rush of anger that he felt, he wasn't one to become angry often and the feeling caused him to pause.

Taking a deep breath he pushed on, but softer this time.

"Elissa, Anders has taught me to dance, I learned for you. As for this other non-sense, why on earth would I want you sent away?"

"Because I seem to displease you, even after you held me that night, you left me, without one word, you left and you stayed gone, I had to learn you had left on business from Anders."

"I'm sorry; I shouldn't have done that love."

They both stopped dead at the endearment, he watched as her back went stiff and her arms dropped to her sides.

He approached her slowly, as one would a frightened horse.

"Lissa, don't think I want you sent away, I don't, anything but that. I care for you, just the sight of you leaving the ball, and then having Teagan follow you, was enough to make me feel things I've never felt before."

Her head jerked up at that and she frowned.

"Don't worry, he doesn't want me either."

Alistair lifted a golden brow at her but didn't pursue the subject, lest he get answers he really didn't want.

In two quick strides, he had her in his arms before she could back away from him.

"Lissa, I've never been with a woman, I've never even thought about any woman this way, none save you. I feel awkward; I don't know what to say, or how to act. I should have never left without some sort of good-bye. Forgive me; let me learn how to be your husband darling."

She stiffened in his arms, his hands circled behind her and rubbed slow circles, and he felt her tension ease and she melted into him.

"I'm learning too," Her hands fell to her stomach, and she chuckled with little humor.

"Well, I'm learning again, I guess."

Alistair smiled and let his lips fall to hers, they were silky against his and he let his tongue stroke her bottom lip, she parted them in a little gasp letting his tongue slip into her silky mouth he tasted her, she tasted like wine and summer. She smelled like the lavender that he had grown to love so much, and as they learned each other's kiss, his pulse raced, and his hands roamed the curves of her body.

When he pulled away from her mouth with a groan, she almost collapsed against him.

"Lissa, I love you. Please don't think I would ever send you away, I've never felt these things. Let me learn them with you; let me love you, take care of you. Just the thought of you leaving, not being here to raise our children, the thought of you giving yourself to someone else, is enough to drive me mad."

She laughed and the gesture reached her eyes, melting their coldness.

"No, I've been awful, Alistair, acting like a spoiled brat, who didn't get the doll she wanted. Forgive me."

"My sweet, Lissa, there is nothing to forgive, just let me love you."

He turned her in his arms and began to undo her laces, the blue silk slid down her shoulders and crumpled at her feet leaving her in nothing but her small clothes. Blushing, she turned back towards him, a hand covering her breasts and the other over her stomach.

"Alistair, I hate how I look right now, I'm not sure if we should."

He brushed her hands away and kneeled before her, his head leaning against her belly. He turned and kissed it gently. He continued kissing her, until he was standing again, he kissed between her breasts, up her neck, he quickly found the pulse he had watched since they entered the room, his tongue found it, he traced it, felt the beat pick up as his tongue traveled up her neck and to the delicate shell of her ear, he traced it before taking the lobe gently in his mouth and nibbling. His hands roamed up her sides, and over her breasts, his thumbs making gentle circles around the little hard buds beneath her breast band.

As he settled his mouth back against her, a little moan escaped her throat and Alistair's head swam with the sound, he felt as if he might pass out if he didn't have her.

"Lissa, I love you, I've never loved or wanted anything as badly as I want you, and Maker knows I have tried to wait, I shouldn't."

He was cut off as she crushed her mouth against his, sucking his tongue gently into her mouth, when she finally pulled back, his breath was coming in small gasps.

"You won't hurt me, Alistair."

Stripping his shirt and pants quickly he stood before her in the fire light, the fire danced off his hair, making it seem even more golden. She gasped as she looked at him from top to bottom.

"Maker, you're beautiful Alistair."

"No my love, you're beautiful and I'll spend the rest of my life making sure you know how much I love you, everything about you." His hands traveled back over her body, pausing on her belly, before he bent and picked her up gently in his arms and carried her to the bed.

He lay with her, on their sides, his mouth and hands roaming over her body, with soft, warm kisses.

"Lissa, I can't, I need you."

Rolling her gently on to her back he knelt between her legs, letting his hands drift over her face, lips, breasts, over the swell of her stomach, and lower, searching between the soft mound of golden curls until he found her, she was so wet and he almost lost it as his finger slipped easily inside of her, she moved against him, as he slid the length of himself inside her, there was no pain for her as she let him hilt himself. She instantly moved against him, matching his rhythm, his fingers searched out the small bundle of nerves between their bodies, he felt her begin to clench against him, her body holding him close to her, he felt her body arch under his and his world disappeared in a blinding white light.

Alistair lay with his wife curled against the side of his body, she snuggled closer to him, her hand tracing and curling in the golden hair on his chest.

"I love you, Alistair, promise you won't leave me."

"I promise my dear, as long as you'll have me."

"I hope you know I'll hold you to that."

He smiled, and pulled her closer to him. The slight tingle of doubt tinged the back of his thoughts, would she hate him if she was to remember, everything?

~~0~~

They broke their fast the next morning with Anders; Alistair had decided that he was not going to let the ghosts of the past stand in the way of a chance at this new found happiness.

For the first time since this whole ordeal had started, things felt right.

But such things are often short-lived.

~~0~~

It was mid afternoon; Alistair had just finished with his affairs and had gone in search of his wife, and his love he added to himself with just a hint of a smile. Their rooms were empty and as he stepped out on the balcony overlooking the gardens he could see Elissa, wrapped in a fur reading, one of her ladies sat next to her and he smiled. She looked so content, she must have felt his stare, for she looked right, left and then up at him, a most beautiful smile lighting her face, his little golden angel. He sighed at the feeling in his chest, but in that moment as he was turning to make his way to her, his world came crashing down. He saw the glint of the arrow too late; it was already on its way toward its mark.

His scream was too late, her eyes locked with his as the arrow sank deep within her chest, and his world stopped.

~~0~~

It was hours later when a disheveled Anders collapsed in a chair across from Alistair, he was talking, but his eyes were firmly planted on the table in front of him.

"Alistair, you're not going to like what I'm about to say, I need you to listen to me carefully. Elissa has lost a lot of blood, more than when she fell down the cliff, she's very weak and the baby is coming."

Alistair sucked in a breath.

"It's too early, oh Maker."

Anders shook his head. "No, the baby could survive, with the help of magic, there is a problem though, the baby, the cord is wrapped around its neck, it would never survive a normal birth, I would have to, well, surgically remove the child. Alistair look at me, Elissa won't survive that, not even with my healing magic, there is just no way. I need you to make a choice I have no right to ask you. You need to choose, the baby, or Elissa. I can't save both."

The pain in Alistair's eyes tore a sob from Anders, as he watched him bury his face in his hands.

"I'm so sorry, Alistair, I wish, I could save them again, I can't. But I can't make this choice."

Alistair nodded, "Save her, Anders, save Elissa, save my wife."

Anders nodded and left the room.

~~0~~

Alistair held out a brandy to Anders as he practically collapsed in the chair next to him.

"She's resting, Alistair, you can stop pacing, she'll live."

He nodded, but didn't ask the other question on his mind, and Anders understood.

"It was a boy, Alistair; there will be a funeral of course. When Elissa is well enough."

Alistair nodded, but avoided the other mans eyes.

Anders downed the drink, as Alistair downed his.

"Did they find them? Whoever did this?"

Alistair shook his head, "No, Loghain says it must have been Orlesian assassins, I can't understand that though. I just can't make sense of it, by all accounts; Cailan and Elissa were on very good terms with Orlais."

Anders sighed and downed another drink, "Well we need to figure it out, we still aren't sure that the accident in Highever was actually an accident. We need to figure this out before, well," He trailed off and Alistair nodded.

"Yes, well something is going on, and I have a terrible feeling it goes deeper than just assassins in the dark."


End file.
